Mike with a glioma... what'll ya do?

Moving & Memorial

2009-11-30T13:50:00.004-06:00

Today we finished moving Mike's stuff out of his Oak Park Apartment. It was difficult, such finality to it. Nicole and her parents helped us, as did Justin, and we appreciate their help greatly.

This evening, at 6 pm, the The medical school is having a memorial service for Michael at the hospital chapel, which I believe is in the basement of the hospital. We are taking some pictures from the funeral service in WV, and a few more. Hopefully, Michael's doctors will be there so we can thank them for their incredible care of Michael.

Thanksgiving Day

2009-11-26T14:17:00.001-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all of our friends!

Here's a bit a Michael trivia that you probably didn't know:

Michael Brewster Davis is 14th generation from Elder William Brewster, who said the first Thanksgiving prayer in Plymouth after sailing over on the Mayflower.

Bruce

Loyola Service

2009-11-24T18:05:00.002-06:00

The Loyola Stritch School of Medicine will be holding a memorial service for Michael at Loyola's chapel at the school.

The date is Monday, November 30th, at 6:00 pm.

Bruce

The Rainbow

2009-11-24T17:48:00.002-06:00

The rainbow which appeared when Michael left us begs to be retold. So here it is.

When Mike passed away, Barb wanted a prayer said. The regular ministers were not at hospice, so two african-american nurses came in to pray with us. One of them read from the King James bible, which happens to be our favorite. She read the 23rd Psalm, which is also one of our favorites.

Then, as we held hands, including Michael's, she started to pray. As she prayed, her momentum built, and the more enthusiastic she became. Now, we Presbyterians rarely get excited about much, except eating, so as the second nurse sprinkled in Amens and Hallelujahs, that wonderful nurse sent Michael to heaven in grand style. It was just what we needed.

Than, as Jon looked out the window in wonder at the beautiful, full rainbow, she shouted, "Oh, Lord, Jesus is taking Michael to Heaven!" She ran from the room and made all the staff go outside and look.

Jon and I went outside to see the rainbow in all it's glory, and as it started to dissipate, I saw a flock of birds fly right through the center off into the distance. Michael never did anything half way. He let us know not only where his spirit was going, but that there was going to be a lot of fun and happiness there. Amen

Bruce

Directions to Visitation and Services

2009-11-19T14:07:00.002-06:00

For those coming to the visitation and/or services, here are the driving directions to the Teays Valley Presbyterian Church.

Directions from Charleston:

Take I-64 West to the new exit #40. Go left at the end of the exit ramp onto Rt 35 South.

Go 0.3 miles. Turn right onto Teays Valley Road (light).

Go 1.2 miles - past Scott Teays Elementary, past Beechwood Estates. Teays Valley Presbyterian Church is on the right.

=========================
From Huntington:

Take I-64 West to the new exit #40. Go right at the end of the exit ramp onto Rt 35 South.

Go 0.2 miles. Turn right onto Teays Valley Road (light).

Go 1.2 miles - past Scott Teays Elementary, past Beechwood Estates. Teays Valley Presbyterian Church is on the right.

Michael's Obituary

2009-11-18T17:52:00.000-06:00

Michael Brewster Davis

Michael Brewster Davis, 27, of Scott Depot, WV, passed away on November 18, 2009 after a long illness. He was born December 2, 1981 in Salt Lake City to Barbara and Bruce Davis.

Michael graduated in 2000 from Winfield High School, and in 2004 from Colorado College with a BS in BioChemistry. He spent the summers of 2004 and 2005 in East Timor volunteering at the Bairo Pite Clinic, located in one of the world’s poorest regions. It was a very rewarding experience and his time there solidified his desire to become a physician. In 2005, Michael enrolled at the Loyola University Stritch School of Medicine in Chicago.

In January, 2007, in his second year at Loyola, Michael was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. For almost three years he battled his disease and enriched the lives of all those he touched. He retained his sense of humor and loving spirit throughout his illness. Michael’s final days were spent at home and at Hubbard House Hospice.

Michael is preceded in death by his grandfathers Frank W. Davis, George W. Berry, and his grandmother Frances W. Davis. He is survived by his parents, his sister Katherine Anne Davis, his brother, Jonathan Richmond Davis, his grandmother, Ethel Berry, and a host of aunts, uncles, and cousins.

A special thank you to the many people who sent stories, pictures, and prayers through Michael’s blogs.

Services will be held on Saturday, November 21 at 11:00 am at Teays Valley Presbyterian Church in Scott Depot, followed by burial services at Spring Hill Cemetery in Charleston.

Visitation will be from 6:00-8:00 pm on Friday, November 20 at Teays Valley Presbyterian Church.

Michael told us that in lieu of flowers, he would like donations to be made to the Bairo Pite Clinic in East Timor. The web site is http://bairopiteclinic.tripod.com.

Checks may be made out to:
 Medical Aid East Timor
 C/O Stokes  
PO. Box 3382  
Madison, Wisconsin  53704-0382

Dear, Sweet Michael

2009-11-18T06:45:00.003-06:00

Michael peacefully passed on to the Lord this morning.

Amazingly, one of the nurses read the 23rd psalm and said a prayer, then Jon looked out the window, and there was a beautiful full rainbow. Michael went out in style. Just amazing.

Our current thinking is to have visitation on Friday, with a service on Saturday. I'll post the final arrangements.

Thank you all again for your wonderful messages, thoughts, and prayers. They have been an endless source of joy to learn what a positive difference Michael made with so many people. You have touched us the way he touched you. Thank you.

Bruce, Michael's dad

Final Day

2009-11-18T05:27:00.003-06:00

Tuesday at Hospice

2009-11-17T12:14:00.003-06:00

Michael spent another night peacefully, although he is more restless lately. He remains responsive to our touch and still appears to understand us. Mike does indeed to continue to surprise.

Apparently the link to his East Timor page can't be copied and pasted to your browser. Try typing it in, and the search engines point you to the right page.

If you are trying to get to his FaceBook wall and can't find him among the 500 other Michael Davis folks, try emailing a comment, and I'll send you his email address for searching. It's his Colorado College alumni email, for those who have it.

Barb and I spent the night at home, while brother Jon stayed the night. I went to my regularly scheduled tennis lesson today, and the pro wore me out. It feels good to be physically spent. I hit the balls terribly, but it was satisfying to abuse them. Better than kicking the dog.

It's hard just waiting. Michael is on his own timetable, so we just keep telling him we love him, that we will be here with him, and remind him again and again that his short life has made an amazingly positive impact on many, many people, evidenced by your kind and inspiring messages.

Bruce

Surprises

2009-11-16T06:54:00.002-06:00

Mike continues to surprise. This morning I found a site on which he chronicles his East Timor trips.

http://mysite.verizon.net/mb_davis/

Bruce

Sunday at Hospice

2009-11-15T19:31:00.002-06:00

Today, as it has been all week, was a beautiful, sunny, crisp fall day.

Michael was about the same. He seems to be the most "talkative" in the morning when we all get up. He really moves his arm around and fiddles with our hands. He likes the mouth moistener brew they make here and touches his mouth when he wants us to swab some more on. His IV, which was in his hand, finally had to come out, so his meds (swelling and seizure) are given subcutaneously - under the skin in fatty tissue. I apologize if I misspelled that.

Bruce's sister and her husband drove up from Georgia on Saturday, and will probably leave tomorrow. Michael's sister Katie drove back to Chicago today to get back to her architecture classes. Brother Jon is hanging in there with us. Looks like Bruce's brother Tad will come in from Colorado later this week.

Of course we don't know how long Michael will hang in with us, so we take every moment to tell him we love him and are with him, hold his hand, and just be here. The hospice folks continue to be amazingly compassionate and attentive.

Thank you all again, and I hope these posts help keep you informed. Your messages mean everything to us, and to Mike. The tagged photos in FaceBook are great as well. We love seeing Mike having fun with his friends.

Bruce

Saturday at Hospice

2009-11-14T16:09:00.003-06:00

Saturday at Hospice.

Michael is about the same. He is communicating through his hand and squeezes, points his pinky, and moves his arm from time to time when he wants to tell us something. Mostly it's to just hold our hands. We are constantly letting him know we are with him and love him.

He has a guardian mouse with him, and Haagen Daas, his stuffed black and white cow which he got when he was about eight.

Mike's sister stayed the night and declared that the towel dispenser is haunted. Apparently it's a very hygienic ghost, and it spits out towels at random times to remind us to wash our hands.

Mike' mom loves your messages, as does Mike and the rest of his family.

Bruce

To Hospice

2009-11-13T18:22:00.003-06:00

Hi, all of Mike's friends.

Today, a bed opened up at the Hubbard House Hospice in Charleston, WV. We moved Mike there this afternoon. It is a wonderful place with wonderful people. We can even take the dogs up there to visit. We certainly will.

Mike is comfortable, and I know is thrilled to hear all your messages. They mean a great deal to Mike and all of us..

Bruce

Not much new

2009-11-12T13:41:00.002-06:00

Michael slept peacefully last night. Michael's little brother, Jon and I slept at home with the doggies. Mike's big sister Katie and Barb stayed with Mike at the hospital.

Mike is still on an IV for hydration and swelling meds. Hospice would probably disconnect the IV. So we're trying to come to terms with that and decide if that's what Mike would want. It's very hard.

Bruce

2009-11-11T07:14:00.002-06:00

This is Mike's dad. Yesterday, Michael would not wake up.

Mike is in the hospital now. The docs said that the swelling and tumor pressue have squished his brain stem. This is the reason he is largely unresponsive. He is breathing on his own.

Michael was clear in his desire not to have any measures taken to prolong his life. He did say that medicine for swelling and other stuff like that is ok. He was put on a high dose of medicine to try to reduce the swelling. Cognitively, Michael was always pretty good. Hejust had trouble getting what he wanted to say out.

This morning, after about 10 hours of the medicine, the nurse came in and told him she was going to take his blood pressure. Michael raised his arm for the cuff! So we (Mom & Dad) think that the reduced swelling has helped some, and that he still understands what's going on. He is unable to open his eyes, though he blinks when we touch his face. We don't think he will recover, but it's important that we stay with him and continue talking to him.

Hospice is coming in this morning to talk to us about options, home care or at their facility, which is supposed to be very nice.

I'll keep you posted as we know more. Thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers.

Bruce

This was cool.

2009-09-07T15:15:00.004-05:00

This is Michael’s mom. I am speaking for Michael. He decided that it would be best if I type for him. The words are entirely his own.

“Back in July, my leg started hurting. I talked to Dr. Barton about it and he diagnosed me with a blood clot, I think. And so I went home to West Virginia and the pain tended to go on up my leg. I was on Lovanox. Despite that, he gave me hydrocodone for the pain. Then when I got back, he did a something and a surgeon placed a net in my leg. He left me in the hospital for 3 days. He took me off the Lovanox and I started feeling better.

My voice tended to go down and hence it was hard for me to communicate. Hence my mom is doing all this. My mom can type; apparently I can’t. I can’t type with just one hand and even then that’s hard.

Thanks for all the cards you’ve sent me. I appreciate it.

Mom & Mike"

Favorites and friends

2009-08-29T15:46:00.003-05:00

Unfortonutaly we are unable to be queen of the table. So, our plan is to make mom who is much better at typing. Sorry for the delay... she's still in Denver.

We'll try to make to brief

2009-08-05T21:19:00.003-05:00

I think I'm going to make the brief. For various reasons, and the biggest reasons is the i cant communicate.

The best way the to is by one of the the one following

exit3141 - chat/video - aim
mbdavis029 - chat/video - skype
michael.brewster.davis@gmail.com - email

Typacally up here from 8:00 - 10:00 PM

More up here later

tition are...

2009-08-02T15:10:00.003-05:00

outside ball: exit3141

Heres a better unite one

2009-08-01T11:52:00.002-05:00

"Hi Mike,

I sent this email out to a few of your friends, because people have been asking about how you are doing. Your mom said it would be okay. Here's the email just so you know what we're saying about you.

Hope your appointments went well today.

Josie

Hi Friends,

This email is hard to write. Our friend Mike has been sicker lately, and he was recently was hospitalized at Loyola to have an IVC filter placed for DVTs. He has been spending the majority of his time in West Virginia these days with his family, though still gets all of his care through Dr. Barton at Loyola.

He thinks the world of all of you and could use your encouragement now to help him get better. We want to as many of you as possible send him get well cards to West Virginia. His mom's special request is that the cards are light and funny--nothing serious. His address is:

Mike Davis
306 Beechwood Estate
Scott Depot, West Virginia 25560

He is asking for privacy, and strongly prefers that people refer to his blog as the primary source for keeping up with how he is doing. http://mike-c-gbm.blogspot.com/ Please call Chris, Anstadt, Christine, and I to answer additional questions.

I hope you all are doing well in your own endeavors.

Josie

An newest postest

2009-07-31T16:30:00.002-05:00

So hopefully this'illy be a newest posts. Apparently i give too much weight or somethat that. I will have to give somethings new later like that.

Really, really... long times...

2009-07-22T12:35:00.002-05:00

Basing its are long time. Its quite a long. I as you probaby tall i'm not net good as this.

Seeing as how it's been a month ++

2009-06-08T18:17:00.001-05:00

Well.......... I suppose you've been in a dire need of an update. I'll try to make this brief, cause I'm only typing with my left hand.

First, let me say congrants to the people who graduated yesterday. Woohoo!!!

Secondly, I did a terrible thing back in may had a headache right after the chemo started. A call to Dr Barton sent me into the ER to make sure there wasn't any. He noticed the size of the lump was getting bigger, but we were just a few days onto the chemo. So, he waited. A month went past, my physical standing continued to decline, and he ordered another MRI. Expecting to tell me the worst, he set up an appointment shortly after the MRI. Fortunately for him and me, the shrinkage in my head came down. Some of the imparaments have disappeared, some have decided to stay (only typing with the left hand), either way, the thing aint growin'.

All the best,

m

More and... well more.

2009-04-30T18:29:00.003-05:00

So, Dr. Barton saw me the following thursday (this was a while ago) and decided this was all good. He was mostly right, and I've been on the accutaine since then. Now, I'm on about a half a million drugs, all of which I'm on.

Then again my dog did just have puppies! The at home at least!

MKay... quick update

2009-04-14T10:40:00.002-05:00

So Dr. Gilbert told me to take accutane, temodar, and avastin. The first two because they'd help the tumor and the last on because it'll help the cyst. That started last saturday. Monday I woke up with a huge headache so i went into the er for the first time in years. The problem was the accutane, we think, so I'm stopping that until thursday, when I think I'll have an appt with Dr, Barton. In the meantime, I have plenty of narcotics!

The Plan... now at least

2009-04-06T17:28:00.002-05:00

Our plan is to go down to see Dr. Gilbert (neuro oncology) and Dr. Lang (neurosurgery) for the next few days at MD Anderson. We'll see if they have trials that sound legitimate to me.

psssst!!

2009-04-02T15:07:00.001-05:00

I don't know if anybody noticed... but it's a happy b-day for my counter.

after dr b

2009-04-01T17:10:00.002-05:00

Hmmm... So it turns out that Dr. B didn't really know anything at all, but then again, neither does anybody in the rest of the world. (If you think I'm being facetious, I'm not.) The tumor IS bigger; it IS pressing on the other half of my brain; and it ISN'T giving most of the effects you'd expect. (This is part of the reason I'm so confused... or is that confusion a portion of my symptoms?!!?!?! -- AH!)

Okay. So Dr. B did say the most effective things he knew at this point were his knowledge of the people doing trials. I have run out of things to do here at Loyola. He told us about neurooncologist Dr. VDAGERereaaASDggher at Duke (I'll try to get that later) and Dr. Gilder/ Gilber/ Glildablater neurooncologist at MD Anderson as the range comes into play. Meaning, one tends to take on more aggressive trials and one tends to take on less aggressive trials.

So, sometime in the next few weeks, we'll go see them. And some brain surgeons to see if they want to take a whack at my head.

That's where we are now. Yup.

m

ah the bloggg...

2009-03-26T22:48:00.004-05:00

My poor blog... left all alone to rot in this silly remote corner of the internet where few people wander and zillions of programs play for my stuff. Sadly I've largely left it alone for a while, but since I just had an MRI and the point of the whole thing is to keep you up to date on all of that... so here I go... although it's reaaally late here.

I had the MRI about 10 days ago. I got the images myself immediately, but didn't yet have them "interpreted" by the neuroradiologist. The neuroradiologist saw the thing as did most of the other physicians and their interpretation is that the cyst is smaller but the tumor is slightly bigger. I'm not entirely sure what to make of this in my appointment with Dr. B last Monday. He honestly didn't know what to do either and promised to do research into what is out there. (This may seem disappointing to some, but he didn't claim to know what he didn't and he just got back from vacation. Two facts that I did like given his ignorance on the day of my appointment.)

Anyhow, so this coming Monday, our plan is to see Dr. B again and hopefully he'll be more clear, be the news good or bad.

That's all,

M

PS... Congrats to Laura and Matt tomorrow night!

AMAAAAAZZZZINGGGGG!!!

2009-02-04T18:23:00.003-06:00

Yes, yes indeed I had an excellent time at the inauguration. I have never been so excited for me and my Dad hanging out, squashed in lines for sooooo long in the freezing, but thank God, dry weather. Either way, it was a blast, and I know my Dad would say the same.

I talked to the peops about the MRI's and they generally felt the same way that I did. That is, the cyst is shrinking and everything else we're not exactly sure about. So, onward we go with the Avastin as we did before. So there ya go.

Oh yeah!... and I've started selling my pictures! Shortly (meaning as soon as I make it) I'll have a website for you to go to look at and perhaps buy the pictures.

Unfortunately, I'm going to end on a down note. A high school friend in her maiden name, Amy French, lost her brother and father recently. May God be with them all.

Late as late can be...

2009-01-18T20:59:00.002-06:00

I'm sorry I haven't been updating this as quickly as I have in the past. One could venture a guess that my health is declining or my brain ain't workin well... but you'd be wrong. In actuality, I'm sitting in my aunt and uncles house outside of Washington, DC, preparing to spend the next two or three days in the city. We have, thanks to Mom, some excellent parade route bleacher tickets and a radio so we can listen to the address. Very exciting. Tuesday should bring some excitement irrespective of the # of seconds we actually see the new President, if at all.

Really, I just got an MRI Friday and the cystic part continues to get smaller. I haven't actually talked to my physician about that, so it's a little dangerous for me to talk to you about it, but hell, it looks good to me!

m

Ho Ho Ho!

2008-12-21T21:01:00.000-06:00

Meeeerrrrrry Christmas!!!!

Circles

2008-12-12T17:05:00.005-06:00

I don't actually have anything to say about the circles. Ha. Phthbtbttb. I just thought I'd throw a post up how freaking cold it is in Chicago. Who'da thought? I realize that last year I wrote of wonderful, ethereal things about seasons changing that lots of people loved and that made me clap and do the "I'm cool" dance, which clearly hasn't yet, but it should catch on and... well... it's freaking cold in Chicago.

mmm... Thanksgiving

2008-11-25T17:30:00.000-06:00

The post office is collecting my Oak Park mail and I'm absorbing the smell of home as I settle into Scott Depot for an extended stay. A trip back to Chi-town will probably be around the 3rd or 4th of December.

Thanksgiving, fall, weather, some snow flurries... I love it all. I can't wait 'til my brother gets home tonight so that we can inevitably argue about whatever inane things we can come up with. We'll have a pretty full house this year, six in total. And they start arriving tonight, at least the other 3.

I'll let you know how it goes! Lots of food, plenty of whiskey and wine, all kinds of people to make the situation interesting.

I can only hope that you have a good Thanksgiving too.

PS... My heart goes out to the family and friends of the youngest and the oldest governor to serve our state, Governor Cecil Underwood, who passed away yesterday at the ripe old age of 86.

hmmm...

2008-11-08T17:12:00.002-06:00

Last week's post was a bummer. Bummer bummer bummer. I do intend to volunteer, but I do have things to do which give me pride... a sense to giving. That's important--at least to me.

Erm... that's about all I have right now. I'll let you know what's going on when I do.

m

Pride and Cancer

2008-11-05T22:10:00.006-06:00

I fear pride, my own pride, may be a late casualty in my doctors' war against my body. Let me be clear, I don't mean the effects, the side effects, the medication, the scars, or many other things that cancer and its treatment ravage against your body. Those things I knew were in my future the moment the neurosurgeon said it was a glioblastoma; that terrible son-of-a-bitch in my brain. Those things make me grow, make me stronger, they've made me more appreciative of the world and the people in it.

My pride, as I speak of it here, are the things people do to make their world better. Most everyone does it, mostly without knowing. You go to work, you manage your family, you pay bills and taxes and donate to and do the things you find good. You do the things that make the world go round, socially and economically, and these make the world better. This normal existence in all of it wonderful variances is what I wanted desperately. It's why I went to High School, CC, Loyola. Given, none of these things paid anything and mostly sucked a zillion dollars from somebody's pocket but I eventually intended to make something of them--to contribute to society and pave my own road both figuratively and literally speaking. I did them to be free to go anywhere in the world and do what I felt was my calling be that in East Timor or Chicago or West Virginia. I hoped to fall in love--raise a family. That's what I mean by pride. Doing something.

My own pride, I feel is slipping away. I'm not doing anything. The pictures I take are nice, but they aren't that good. The things I do, I do to occupy time. The doctor wants me to take Avastin for the "foreseeable future" (meaning till it stops working). That's once every two weeks and all the time I feel like crap. I haven't been able to think of a way to remedy this situation.

My mom suggested that I volunteer at the cancer center at Loyola. That's an idea and I honestly think I could do some real good there. The issues with volunteering at Loyola are twofold, rather threefold. First, I don't like seeing people doing what I can't do, that is being a medical student, a doctor. Anger, frustration, jealousy, etc. Second, I don't know if I can handle being around people with whatever cancer. I used to go to this website for young people with glioblastomas. That was great until I was the senior member of the forums. I stopped going to that.

That's the bitch of it. People die with my disease. I'm fortunate that I haven't, but I feel that volunteering in the cancer ward would be like the web forums. I make friends, I form relationships, they die. Yeah... it's a bitch.

I think I'm going to do it anyway. Volunteering that is the sort of thing that I can and have found pride in. It doesn't pay my bills, but it definitely lets me do good by people. Plus, what did I think would happen when I became a doctor? All my patients would be happy and no one ever dies? That happy go lucky medicine wasn't what I was interested in anyway. You go to the poorest, the sickest, the person who's on his death bed and you become his friend. I can't not do it because of my own situation, I have to do it because of it. Someday I'll be that person and I'd like a friend.

I suppose pride may have to mean something different. Scratch mobility, scratch socially, scratch economically. I'll have to take people's help when I need it and likewise pass it along however I can. Then, perhaps, the world will still go round.

Oh yeah... the third fold. Would I have to wear to goofy vests they make the highschoolers wear? That would be a deal breaker for me.

m

Out to San Fran...

2008-10-21T17:13:00.003-05:00

I'm going to San Francisco for about a week. Here's a picture of me and my new neighbor. (She's actually my lovely sister too.)

auctions, circles, fishing, and pictures...

2008-10-06T15:18:00.017-05:00

It's become apparent that the only way people can stalk me is through my blog. This is even though I usually leave my blinds open and if you're lucky I'll dance for you. Alas, even the guy above me has complained that I don't keep this thing up to date enough. So, here we go.

I am in Chicago now and will likely do anything with anybody at anytime unless I'm doing something else with someone else at that same time. Or I just don't want to, that'll prolly give you a thumbs down too.

I've been in West Virginia for a significant portion of September enjoying my family and the general fall weather. We went up to visit Allegheny College in Pennsylvania to visit my brother. I hadn't ever been there nor have I met his girlfriend who he's been going out with for a while. In four years I felt I ought to go up there and meet someone once. Call that a success.

On the point of side-trips, I had the intention of taking a trip south to western (not west) Virginia. The Research Farm for the American Chestnut Tree, in which I have the upmost interest, is located about 5 hours south of our house. And (insert Tina Fey) gosh darn it-pshew pshew, I wanted to see it. So I put together a trip where I'd do some fly fishing, some birding, and take a tour of their research farm. Well it turns out my one to two hours of fly fishing was so enticing it took all day. By the time I got finished with that, there wasn't any time for anything else. But if you want to do any fly fishing in southern West Virginia, I highly recommend Second Creek in Monroe Co. Anyhow, fly fishing worked, bird and trees didn't. No, I still didn't catch any of those gosh darn trout. I felt like pshewing them, but I guess that wouldn't have been fair, not like those meese.

Back in Scott Depot, there's a really cruddy piece of property and house near where I grew up. And I use the term "cruddy" kindly. The previous owners defaulted on the loan and thus the bank owned it and wanted to auction it off. So, a couple of our neighbors (including my folks) wanted to buy the property, let the fire department burn the house down for practice (apparently there aren't enough legit fires), and they wanted to build a neighborhood park. I was more excited about the burning down the house, and perhaps the destruction of the foundation afterwards. That would be awesome. A smile comes across my face at the thought of it. But alas, some dang flipper came in and bought it out from under us. Or over us. Well she paid more than our group could. Phthtbtbthtb... no fire.

I'll leave the circles a mystery for right now. They're keeping me from being bored when I have to stay in the apartment, don't feel good, or just want to stay here. Confused yet? Yeah, I usually am too when it comes the circles. What can I say? It's a mystery. If you can figure out what the heck I'm talking about, I'll give you a prize. A good prize.

As for the pictures... I have two for the blog that I took today. Both are from Scoville Park.

Well... apparently only one will load. I'll try the other one another time. It's cool. It's got bees. Seriously. Bees.

Well there ya go! I finally got the thing to work. The bees on the right are heading to a nest under the bush to the left. This was actually hard to get.

That's all... thanks for stalking. Oh, and props to my most distant stalker in Uganda right now, Justin List! Stalk him here.

Mike

talk about nothin'

2008-10-01T08:19:00.002-05:00

Well... I got back from a long trip to WV, which was fun and all that. Really... I haven't a whole lot to say.

Other than... "Hello Mrs. O'Sullivan!"

I pretty much explained the whole way I feel, why I feel it, how I feel it in the last blog. I swear once I come up with something interesting to say, it'll be right up here. Anyhow, GO SOX!

Food for neuroradiologists...

2008-09-05T12:24:00.004-05:00

Or anybody else that needs proof that I do, in fact, have a brain in my head. Albeit an interesting brain, but a brain nonetheless.

What follows is a series of MRI's that kindof demonstrate why I had the symptoms, then the lack of symptoms, then the recurrence of symptoms, and now on Avastin they're starting to get better.

This first image was taken on 6/9/08, which was prior to the second neurosurgery and radiosurgery. I believe I actually posted this previously. Remember that the white part is the veins/arteries surrounding the tumor. That's what feeds the tumor and the cystic part, and that's bad. The large gray part is the cystic part, which causes a large amount of pressure in my head. The cystic part was squashing the ventricles, causing what we call "mass effect," and of course my symptoms. We decided to do they radiosurgery to kill the tumor and the neurosurgery to drain the cyst. Afterwards, if you've been following the blog, I felt great after all that was done.

This was my next MRI a little less than two months later. My symptoms had returned and I was frustrated because the drain they put in didn't work anymore. As anybody can see... there was a huge growth outside in the vasculature (arteries and veins) on the tumor itself. The doctors didn't know whether that was a result of the tumor becoming more aggressive or an inflammatory reaction to the radiosurgery. They hit it with a high dose of radiation and that can cause an awful lot of inflammation and swelling. So, they didn't and I sure as heck didn't know. So they started avastin which promised to clamp down on that vasculature either way.

Here's my latest scan, on 8/26/08 after two treatments with Avastin. Clearly it looks better. The white part is smaller and less defined, the cystic part is smaller, and the ventricles are looking far better, meaning there's less mass effect and my symptoms are better.

Definitely good news.

As an aside, I've been going birding, picture taking, and geocaching with my time recently. I'll write a more light-hearted blog about that later. In the interim, here are some pictures of some red-tailed hawks in the park east of Loyola.

All the best,

Lucy... you got some 'splainin' to do!

2008-08-28T14:55:00.006-05:00

I suppose I owe you an explanation as to exactly why I went on the new drug, Avastin (bevacizumab [whatever you want to call it]). So here's the explanation... and it's really not as exciting as you might think.

After my latest surgery I felt excellent. They were able to put in an ommaya (type of drain), in which I could go in every week and have the pressure taken off. I wasn't on chemotherapy. I wasn't on steroids, I felt good, I was working out regularly, I was bored out of my mind, and things were looking good. Hell, they were looking great.

Then, the ommaya stopped working because the drain tip (inside my brain) had become lodged in my brain itself. They decided I didn't need my brain sucked out, so they stopped doing the drainage. We made the decision that if my symptoms returned, they'd go back in and replace the ommaya. Yikes... but I can deal with that.

A few weeks later the symptoms (inability to find words, bad handwriting... errr worse handwriting) returned with a vengeance. True to form, they scheduled surgery and got an MRI.

However, the MRI didn't show the amount of swelling in the cystic part as one might think. They discussed it in their little powwow they hold each week and thought surgery was a bad idea. They felt that the swelling and inflammation was likely either due to the tumor itself acting up or simple inflammation from the radiosurgery they'd done a month or so earlier. (My brain reacts slowly to radiosurgery... and everything else.) Either way, surgery was off and they needed something to kill large numbers of blood vessels that feed the tumor and control the swelling.

Tadadedaaaa... there's just a drug for that! It's Avastin. Avastin is an angiogenesis inhibitor which will shrink the blood vessels. Indeed, I just got a call from my neurosurgeon who looked at a new MRI and he said it shrank the blood vessels. Furthermore, my symptoms have largely gone away. Ain't science cool.

I take Avastin every 2 weeks by IV. Again, I was most worried about nausea but fortunately that hasn't been a problem. I don't feel great, but such is life with brain cancer.

The plan is to keep going with this until the end of October. Then we'll take our best guess as to a) continue the avastin b) stop the avastin or c) stop the avastin and take another shot at the ommaya. Who knows?

Hmmm... I think that's it.

Mike

Evil Tendencies Cancel

2008-08-17T16:26:00.005-05:00

Will the blight end the chestnut?

The farmers rather guess not.

It keeps smouldering at the roots

And sending up new shoots

Till another parasite

Shall come and end the blight.

Robert Frost - 1936

This might seem strangely depressing at first, but I like to think of it as the notion of the viruses they are working on to kill certain types of cancer. The parallel can be made to a survivor in Castanea dentata, continuously sending up shoots. Finally a harmless parasite kills the deadly parasite... and our American Chestnut tree survives. At least that's how I like to think about it.

home again home again...

2008-08-13T08:57:00.002-05:00

I'm headed home again for the next week or so, that is to West Virginia. It's been since early June since I've been there, so it's well timed. I'll try to write more later. Those cwazy characters that I meet!

Okay...

2008-08-08T08:38:00.003-05:00

I'm gonna make this short, but the symptoms have returned in large part. There are some reasons for that, but the option which I've chosen is to start Avastin. That'll be one every two weeks and goes in IV. I'll start today.

picture day!

2008-07-24T15:59:00.003-05:00

So I went to the Mississippi River yesterday (a long haul) and I took some pictures.

clearly

2008-07-17T20:06:00.003-05:00

Well... I agree... that last post was weird, but you got the point, clearly.

Really, life is good. For all the positions I could be in, I certainly can't complain about where I am. And I find that is the only thing that truly matters, where I am now.

My sister asked me a question during the time I was graduating from Colorado College way back in 2004. She said, in essence, "do you regret anything about your time here?" I thought about it a little bit and said, "there are things I've done that I'm not proud of, and there are things that I'm ashamed of, but ultimately they have all led me to this place with these people at this time. I love my life now and so I don't regret anything that I've done, ever."

I thought that was a pretty good answer to a really deep question. However, it's a question that I'd never had to ask myself through personally trying times. So, I'll ask myself that now. Do I have any regrets; anything I would take back; anything that if I could undo, would I undo? Do I have any regrets?

No. Absolutely not. For all the debt I incurred; for all of my "drain on society's economy;" for all of the heartbreak, both for me and for my loved ones; I absolutely wouldn't change a thing that I've done or which has happened to me. It's through these trials and tribulations that I find a clarity in my world through which I can enlighten other people. Even if I knew the exact cause of my tumor, I still wouldn't go back in time to stop it.

My cancer has given me (perhaps despite it's best efforts) greater relationships with my friends, a variety of exceptional mentors, and a deeper, more meaningful relationships with my family than I could ever have hoped for otherwise. I believe I've been able to enrich their lives to a greater degree than I could have otherwise. It's strange, and I'm aware that the cancer could shorten my life, but I'm grateful for the position I'm in, for this moment at this time with all of you who have been so supportive.

I believe in the life that God gave me, that it is right, and that I can do right by it. How could I ever regret that?

hmmm... What am I? a banana?

2008-07-15T16:02:00.003-05:00

No... I'm boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddddddddd.

Let me restate. I'm boooooooooooooooorrrrrrrreeeeeeddddddd boooooooooorrrrrreeeeeeeeddddd booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeed.

I feel really good and as a result of my increased energy, I'm boooooorred. Bored. Borrrrrrrrred. Boredboredboredbored. I'm looking for something to do so I can not be so bored.

Lets recap. I'm not a banana. I'm bored.

Sigh.

the state of my noggin

2008-07-09T10:42:00.009-05:00

Okay... we saw an awful lot of doctors yesterday and Monday and we've devised a plan for the next month or so. I'll start a few weeks ago and end up with what I've decided.

The disease has formed two structures in my head (and that's been the case since the beginning). There is the tumor itself, which is solid anaplastic astrocytic tissue. That's the scary/bad part. Much larger and next to it is the cystic part, which is just fluid. The cyst is big and there isn't really a lot of room to have a lot of fluid. My head was filled to capacity before all this silliness. So, the cyst can put a lot of pressure in my head. If my brain tries to escape from my head, it's all bad. It's like being hit in the head with a baseball bat extremely slowly... like... weeks or months.

Anyway, a few month ago I had an MRI and it showed a little bit of growth of the cystic part. I wasn't particularly symptomatic, so we decided to wait and see. Over the next two months I had trouble with my fine motor skills on my right side. My handwriting went from chicken scratch to almost being unable to write at all. I had to concentrate to coordinate my left and right sides for example to walk. All of these things were slowly progressive, so I kindof knew what was going to happen.

My next MRI showed a small amount of size increase of the tumor (1cm -> 1.2cm) and the cyst has grown significantly, accounting for my issues.

If you're a budding radiologist, this should tickle you. The white part is the tumor, the bad part. The grayish balloon looking thing is the cyst. It's causing my problems. If you look, you you can see it's pushing everything out of it's way. The ventricals (the dark areas) have collapsed, and it's even taking up more than it's half. It's like an annoying bedfellow, except it comes with Broca's Aphasia. So it's even more annoying. I bet it snores too.

So, I talked to the radiation oncologist, my oncologist, and my neurosurgeon in the middle of June and we came up with a tentative plan. We would zap the tumor to stop its growth with radiosurgery. A week later they would plan to drain the cyst.

The radiosurgery was pretty mild. I think they crushed my supraorbital nerve with the head gear... I'm still numb, but it's slowly getting better. Talk about experiencing your anatomy class!

In the neurosurgery they put in an ommaya, which allows them to control the amount of fluid in the cyst without doing major neurosurgery each time. I call it getting my oil drained because it's as easy as them sticking a butterfly needle into my head. HA!

I was hoping that this would just arrest my neurological decline. Rather, I feel better than I have in months. I've been off of chemotherapy for the longest time since my diagnosis, so the associated fatigue is largely gone. I feel cognitively better, physically stronger, my fine motor skill are back, my handwriting is back to the chicken scratch that it was. God bless Loyola Med... they did a hell of a job this time.

SO... what to do now? We talked with my oncologist yesterday and his feeling was to hold steady until there's a reason to act. That means I'm not going to go back on any drugs (chemo) or start any new drugs until I have an MRI a month from now. I couldn't help but feel happy to not start the new drugs. It's nerve wracking as all get out to not be doing anything... but the energy I have and the mental clarity is not something I want to give up.

Whew.... that was a long blog. Thank you all for your support, especially Danny and Mary back home. My folks are driving back to WV today, and you've been an excellent support system for them. God bless. Thanks also to my family, Mom, Dad, and Jon who were able to come out (and Katie for her long distance support). I love you all.

Michael

ps... here's another picture, hopefully more pretty than the one of my head.

For all those who've been supporting me

2008-07-05T19:58:00.003-05:00

Have a flower.

Just a short update...

2008-07-03T15:16:00.002-05:00

So I got out of Loyola on 7/1... the operation was a total success, and I even walked away with new working parts. They released the pressure the cyst was causing, and immediately there's an improvement of my fine motion and my cognition. I'll be sure to write more later, but needless to say, I'm extremely pleased.

on with the other thing

2008-06-26T08:37:00.002-05:00

So the thing with the radio-surgery is done. Other than having my eyes swollin' up like huge balls... I cant complain. Next is on the 27th when I'll spend three (i hope) days in the hospital. Wish me luck!

m

on with the other on

2008-06-21T15:53:00.002-05:00

The neurosurgery is going to be on 6-27. I imagine it being like a dance... where everyone comes out.

on with the on

2008-06-17T14:16:00.002-05:00

The radiation thing is now Monday 6-23. Stick that in your cap.

turning the page

2008-06-14T12:42:00.001-05:00

Okay... anyway... my parents are back in WV now, I'm significantly less depressed than last night (where the doctors kept telling things, and they kept looking worse and worse and worse) and well, I'm a lot less tired than last night. I guess it was the wine or something that made me write that note, but either way I feel much better now.

If you can or want to, feel free to stop by Poor Phils this evening (6/14) around six. I can answer your questions, drink beer, eat bar food, and generally shoot the shikaka.

Mike

The few things I know...

2008-06-13T18:08:00.001-05:00

Hey guys...

So I'll have gone in the MRI which was supposed to be normal. Unforfurnately it wasnt. Someof the the cystic and the tumor had grown. My parents are our now in town and just today we found what the is going on. They plan on going to radiation and then to surgery. Radiation will be friday the 20 (likely) then surgery will take place 23-25 then. Again... I really dont know.

Thats the most I can tell ya...

Mike

Back from Seattle...

2008-05-23T14:55:00.003-05:00

Seattle was fun. Our family (as I suppose all families of graduating peops) does the endlessly long photographic session. At least it's good humor and the subject of which we can point and laugh at. That person's Andrew in these.

Phtbtbtbt....

Okay. Hmmm... what else do we have here. You realize that I have over 4500 pictures in my computer. I'll put up another neat on from Seattle:

Well THAT's not working. Sorry, no Seattle for you!

There's got to be more to talk about. I guess most people as "what am I doing now?" As a general rule I HATE this question (largely because the answer is nothing at all) but I certainly understand the inquisition and do appreciate the interest. But, like I said, mostly I'm doing nothing at all.

Most of the time I answer that I'm writing. While it's true, there are two problems with this. First, people want to know what your writing. People don't realize how long it takes to explain this... and I don't particularly like to talk about it. Secondly, however, is that I don't particularly like writing and nobody really believes that I'm doing it anyway. I don't know. The time between the beginning of that paragraph and and end of that paragraph was about 3 1/2 hours.

Sen. Kennedy and his Family

2008-05-20T12:49:00.002-05:00

Today we learned that Senator Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with a glioma. Unquestionably, this is one of the hardest times both he and his family will go through. I wish them all the courage and strength to get their feet on the ground in a time when their doctors are telling them he's up for "radiation and chemotherapy." I can't image having to get that news and having to deal with the relentless media outside the hospital.

Sen. Kennedy, may your strength and endurance carry you through all of this.

6502 items

2008-05-04T14:52:00.003-05:00

I have 6502 items... yes 20.6 endless days of music on my computer that I haven't even opened yet! That's unbelievable. Given that everyday I sit at my computer and EVERYDAY listen to several songs... I should be more than a quarter of the way through them.

Probably a reasonable question from you is... what the heck am I doing with so many songs that I haven't listened to. "Handling the problem" you say "is as easy as pressing the '=' button. It's just to the right one step." You've always been kindof strange like that. I continuously listen to the unlistened to music because it's in unlistened to music that you find the greatest surprises. Erin McKeowen, Feist, Nancy Sinatra... all of these I found because I left them in the unlistened to music.

The potential is there. All that I have to do is look. "The Left Banke," here I come.

m

Loving WV

2008-04-23T14:20:00.002-05:00

I'm back from West Virginia. Man I love that place.

West Virginia....

2008-04-09T19:37:00.002-05:00

I'm gonna go to West Virginia for a little while. It's a great state. Still working on that Hexagon globe... but i think it's going to end up looking like a bucky ball. That has pentagons in it. Bummer.

Peace!

The weather is just... startling

2008-04-07T11:21:00.003-05:00

When this whole diagnosis happened over a year ago, I was hopeful and was doing okay but in all likelihood the cancer would catch up with me and tackle me at some point. So, I lived the mantra that I have always kept to live life to the fullest, to live every day like it was my last. The days still passed and my watch hands still go round and round, but now every day is so much sweeter.* Every thing I do holds that much more relevance in my life.

What I didn't expect was that the change in seasons would have such a profound emotional impact. The fact that it's warmer now is absolutely amazing to me. I go out to bask in the sun every chance I get. I run occasionally now. (Don't get too excited I'm not running a marathon like Katie is here.) The motion of the earth around the sun is so phenomenal and I can picture the sun's rays hitting us more directly now. I don't know... I don't know how to explain it. Every flower is so remarkable and every breeze that blows fills my nares with olfactory wonders. Both on the large scale and the small scale, life is so much more impactful to me. I do what I do and the seasons change around me. For some reason, that always comes as a surprise nowadays.

hmmm...

mike

*Cept for a period of time in there when I was taking psychiatric drugs. For me, that was an awful move. While they worked in stopping some of the depression and anxiety I was experiencing they took the spice out of life. Don't quit your psychiatric meds based on my account, but anecdotally, I feel a thousand times better since having had quit them.

Today was awesome!

2008-04-02T19:29:00.003-05:00

I just have to say that today was great. I took a book and my camera and I sat in the park all day long. Some others had similar ideas as evidenced above. This is the good part about largely doing nothing.

Freakin advertisers...

2008-03-31T22:20:00.004-05:00

Ya know... I don't watch TV a whole lot. I watch the news in the mornings. Sometimes if there's something going on in the national news I'll keep the TV on in the background as I write or I go about my business. Then, as I'm trying to get tired enough to go to bed, I'll watch some of the late shows. Cool.

Now, I understand that in order for me to get the high quality (hack hack... cough) programming that I demand, they need advertisers. I've never been delusional about that sort of thing. It's always been a careful balance between programs and advertisers. I like that... it's capitalism at work. God bless America.

But I HAAAATE some of the advertisements that they put up there. Most really don't bother me. If the ad's bad, I'm not paying attention anyway. If the ad's good, maybe something will stick subconsciously in my mind as I'm shopping. The biggest problem are the ad's I find so insulting that I FEEL THE NEED TO POST HERE ABOUT THEM!!!

So my plan is to make a list on this site of all the ad's that grind my gears for some reason or another. I hate these commercials and as a result I refuse to buy anything they advertise. And my mom, when I was in first grade, told me to never use the word hate, but I feel it justifies itself here.

Here's the beginning of my shikaka list.
Head On - I hate them. I despise every little spinoff of them. Their product sure as shikaka won't work for me... cause I will never, ever buy their product.
Comcast Fake Headline News - This is soooo irritating because I fall for their absurd line every time!! YOUR AD IS NOT BREAKING NEWS!!!

Well, okay, I feel better. If nothing else, it's nice to rant about what someone else is doing.

And, of course, there's absolutely nothing with regards to my health to report. That's particularly nice.

m

Partaaay!

2008-03-25T11:01:00.002-05:00

Congratulations to all who came to the fundraiser/posttest/free beer thing for Katie's Run. You raised exactly $481.60 for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Rounded up to $500, you can see your contribution here. Thank you so much, both Katie and I really appreciate it. Furthermore, Katie has decided to run a full marathon rather than a half marathon!

Good job Katie.

weird and philosophical

2008-03-24T10:00:00.002-05:00

Beware of all the things I post at night... they tend to be weird and philosophical... at least in my opinion.

baby I need you more than ever...

2008-03-23T21:08:00.004-05:00

Honest to God, I don't know what the title to this blog is supposed to mean. Either way, I'm not going to change it and you can take it as though I'm speaking to you. Because I am speaking to you.

Speaking of God, I think it's an opportune time to let you know how I feel about Him, this being the day we celebrate His resurrection and all. My relationship with Him is still a little strange. It's sort of like I'm looking at Him across the room, He's looking at me, and neither of us know what to say. It's very middle-school-esque. I don't blame Him for what's happened to me, I don't pretend to know what He's thinking, but I just don't know do with what I have and the turns my life has taken. What do I do?

Before this diagnosis, everything was so clear. You do the best you can, you be as morally righteous as you can, you even make every effort to help those in need. Bad things happen to good people, but you try your damn best to do right by them. If you're good at something, do that something. If you're not, don't do it. Living life was as easy as pie.

But life is different now. I can't do what I thought I was supposed to do. I'm writing but it really doesn't seem as I'm going anywhere. I produce these pages but I don't know what they're supposed to say. Writing, reading, pages, words, the tapping of the keyboard: it doesn't make sense, at least no sense that I can make of it.

Do you ever feel like you're being pulled in a direction but you don't know what the end is? It doesn't frighten you. You should be watching the road but you're pulled away by the scenic view. I feel like I'm pulled away by the view. I feel like God is pulling me. I'm not afraid but I have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going, or what the point is.

I think I'll go over to the punch bowl.

bluaaaaahhhhhhhh...

2008-03-19T14:07:00.002-05:00

So, this week is my period, meaning it’s the week that I take the chemo. I really have no idea how I’ll feel during this time. Sometimes I feel like vomiting all over the place, sometimes I feel depressed, and sometimes I feel totally okay. There hasn’t been any rhyme nor reason to my disposition or my comfort level from one moment to the next.

After sleeping about 11 hours last night, I thought it would be an excellent idea to get up and try to jog a bit this morning. I felt pretty good. I had to go pick up a book from the bookstore that I’d ordered. It was a decent morning to jog and I was looking forward to it.

Boy was that a mistake. I took off north and did well for about four blocks then I thought… man… I don’t feel all that well. I slowed to a walk as I approached Chicago Avenue and decided I’d turn around early. Walking along back to the bookstore I felt nauseous and light-headed. I can’t imagine what the bookstore lady though when she saw a guy in jogging clothes, ready to barf right in front of her, and buying a book called “Your Money or Your Life.” I made it home without barfing, but the moral of the story is… well… there is no moral to this story.

That’s all I’ve got.

hmm...

2008-03-17T13:10:00.002-05:00

Well... okay. For all the curious cats out there in the world, the hard thing about this whole "transition" has been figuring out what exactly I'll do. Of course doing nothing is fine and dandy for a little bit, but it can only last for about 36 hours until the boredom and lack of prospects overwhelm me. And they do overwhelm me.

However, I can't get a job in the traditional sense because I expect it would cause the same problems that I had with school. That is, the fatigue, the time, the chemo and on and on. So... what do I do now?

I think I've settled into writing. I enjoy doing it, I get to work for myself, and hopefully I have some amount of talent. Great. I sit at home all day (or out in the community) but I'm producing something, I don't get bored, and I can set my own hours.

The only issues are a: there is no income until I get something published and b: people want to know what I'm writing about. They want to know a genre, a subject, a... well... anything. As of right now, I don't have any of the above. I'm trying to get myself used to writing by spilling whatever is floating around in my head out onto paper. I write a few pages a day (largely it's nonsensical) and occasionally they congeal into a logical thought. Sometimes it's fictional, sometimes it's non-fictional, usually it's a mixture of the two.

So, that's where I am now. The plan is to continue on until my money runs out or I publish something, whatever that may be.

peace,

m

Dear Family and Friends

2008-03-06T17:33:00.001-06:00

Dear family and friends,

As many of you know, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor last year. I’ve tried hard to ignore the chemotherapy and the doctors’ appointments and the endless pills that I take, but recently it’s been too much. I can’t do all of the things in school that I expect of myself while keeping myself healthy. Ultimately, I’m just tired, I can’t keep up, and as a result I’ve decided to quit medical school.

Don’t worry. Nothing with regards to my health has changed for the worse. I just had an MRI and the tumor is getting incrementally smaller, as we hope it would be. But when the wheels are spinning and I’m not going anywhere, sometimes I just need to get out of the car and trudge through the mud myself. So that’s what I’m doing.

I don’t know what my plan is, but already I feel better. There’s far more out there in the world that I can explore. Hopefully, then, I can enrich peoples’ lives and better the world around me. Robert Louis Stevenson said, “Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.” I believe that.

Thus, I go forward into an unknown future and a startling abyss with the greatest of hope and the hand of God. The better angels in me wouldn’t have it any other way.

All my love,

Michael

PS. You can get my medical updates (and so much other junk floating around in my head), as well as keeping in touch, with the addresses below. Also, my sister, Katie, is running a half-marathon for cancer research. If you’d like to support her in that, I’ve attached her link too.

http://mike-c-gbm.blogspot.com
michael.brewster.davis@gmail.com
http://www.active.com/donate/tntwaak/katiestarrunner

From the sista, Katie

2008-03-02T20:42:00.002-06:00

[Katie rocks... this is an email I got from her. You should support her in her efforts! -m-]

Hello, everyone!

It is really fantastic to go through my address book and scrounge up all of the names from my distant and not-so-distant past - I hope this finds you all well.

Anyway, I am writing because I have gone temporarily insane and signed myself up to run a half marathon with a group that raises money for cancer research. As we all know, cancer is lame and researching cures for cancer is decidedly not lame. The group is called Team in Training, and 75% of everything raised goes directly to the research. Everything else goes to an amazing program designed to help people do whatever crazy thing they signed up to do to raise money and offering support for people battling cancer. Basically, it's a great program full of very enthusiastic people who are all hopped up on endorphins from running so much.

If you love me and hate cancer, then you should support the effort... you can do so online at:

http://www.active.com/donate/tntwaak/katiestarrunner

which is a very simple little website, but you can make your donations there. If you want to make a donation some way other than over the internet, then let me know and I will send a letter, some kind of fancy form, and I can send a tax-receipt if you so desire. Also, if your company does matching gifts, please let me know!

Many thanks,

Katie Davis

Hexagon City

2008-02-17T14:45:00.004-06:00

Has anybody else noticed that the system of East, West, North, South isn't really that efficient? Importantly, we build cities on this principle and we waste a lot of pavement on the extra roads and a lot of electricity on our stop lights. I think Ben Franklin was wrong with his square grid. We should have a hexagonal grid as I outlined below. There are only three directions, not four. You only go one way on a road and they alternate on whether they have two lanes or one. If you want to go opposite a direction, you take the other two routes to do so. It's more efficient going in diagonals and I suspect even going opposite, as above, given the lack of stoplights. More on this later... with Hexagon Globe.

Clump Clump

2008-02-07T22:13:00.000-06:00

That's the sound of me stepping off of my soapbox now.

I don't know why everybody hates it when it snows. With the snow on the sidewalks, it's an opportunity to try out my new boots. With the snow on the road, I like testing out my amazing skills behind the wheel. With the giant clothes, I don't have to worry about my girlish figure. These opportunities to test the limits of mind and body don't come along too often and I love the chance to try it out. Well... I aggrandize. It's not the limits of mind and body, but it sure is fun. My favorite snow is the big floppy flakes where its cold enough for them to stick to everything. We got that kind of snow on my birthday last year.

-m-

yowza

2008-01-24T22:12:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I used to know this stuff... this is ONE SIDE of ONE PAGE of my notes from Ted Lindeman's P-Chem class.

organophosphofructolactohorseshitarian

2008-01-16T22:29:00.000-06:00

I am so tired of this nonsense. Take this pill... eat this thing... here's a vitamin that's supposed to cure brain cancer... become an organophosphofructolactohorseshitarian... Hear ye Hear ye. From now on the only things that are going to enter my body are alcohol, chocolate, and perhaps water as I see fit. That is the Davis Diet. So says I.

A thousand points for anybody that can show me an equilateral triangle who's inside vertices are 120 degrees each. AKA they add up to 360, not 180 as one might expect. See if you can wrap your mind around that one.

Then again... Colorado College looks good this year. Eh? Eh? Anybody? Hellooooo.....

Ol' Dirty Bastards

2008-01-07T17:21:00.000-06:00

"As it can be maintained that all the great advances have come from men under forty, so the history of the world shows that a very large proportion of the evils may be traced to the sexagenarian--nearly all the great mistakes politically and socially, all of the worst poems, most of the bad pictures, a majority of the bad novels, and not a few of the bad sermons and speeches."
-William Osler, MD - 1905-

Wil (my college roommate), is placing his money on Clinton and Romney. I'm going to have to go with Obama and McCain. I think Thompson will probably drop out and throw his support to McCain too. Anyhow... I don't have much more to say than that.

wee wawooo waaaah

2008-01-03T13:38:00.000-06:00

I think that's how Beaker sounded in the Muppets... correct me if I'm wrong. In fact, little known is his (and two others') rendition of Oh Danny Boy.

If you're still paying attention, it's election day! Or caucus day, at least in Iowa. Few people know how HUGE of a fan I am of presidential politics. It's bigger than the Superbowl, more money is spent than on the Olympics, it only happens every four years, it's winner take all, and THE FATE OF THE ENTIRE WORLD rests on the outcome. The stakes are so high and the winner so important that it's like a 10 month orgasm for political pundits around the world.

What's more... there hasn't been an election season this exciting with BOTH major parties hanging in the balance. ANYBODY could win! If anybody reads this before tonight, weight in on who you think will win in both parties.

I guess Obama and Romney.

Back in the Day

2007-12-07T16:23:00.000-06:00

This is a photo that I took on a Kodak disposable camera when I was in East Timor. We were on a hike up Mount Ramelau and this scene emerged from the fog.

ahemmm...

2007-12-02T11:24:00.000-06:00

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday tooo me
Happy birthday dear Michael...
Happy birthday to me!!!

ah thank you.

The morning before

2007-11-30T09:13:00.000-06:00

I'm not really sure where the title of this musing came from or what it is wanting to explain, but I'm going to leave it up there anyhow. Take that. Chew on it for a while. Spit it like camels do.

Yes, yes... I know it's been an actual month since I last posted that Peter Atkins quote up here and I completely missed the 2000th visitor to the site. I'm actually hanging my head in shame. Seriously... it's below the keyboard right now and if you like to try these things, that's hard to do. We (the managers of this site [actually it's just me {how many people remember the orders of brackets like that}]) actually like to think in orders of magnitude, so 2000 isn't that great. 10000 is the next big thang.

That still leaves me with a complete lack of things to talk about. I even wrote a musing somewhere around here that notes how hard it is to find things to talk about. So, no more of thaaat. Hmmm....

Okay. Lets play a game. I'll think of a word that most people should know. You have to guess the word. For each guess you give, you'll get a number of points depending on # of letters you get right irrespective of order. For example if my word is "LOSING" then you might guess "CLOSER," which would give you three points. "LOSERS" would also give you three points. "LONGER" would give you four points, whereas "GAMERS" would only give you two points and "MURDER" would get zero points. The points are cumulative and the person who picks the right word gets 10 points extra, the person with the most points wins and may get a beer from me. So, I'll keep score on this page as words come in by comment. If you want to play, just give me some initials (or random letters) to refer to you by.

I've chosen another 6 letter word and I'll even throw in a definition. (or two)
1: "a contributing cause in any action"
2: "one of the components that, by multiplication, make up a number or expression"

We'll see if people like this at all...

AH - "motive" - 2 pts
anonymous - "factor" is correct - 6 pts + 10 pts = 16 pts

Well... something like that...

2007-10-28T13:17:00.000-05:00

"There are four Laws. The third of them, the Second Law, was recognized first; the Zeroth Law, was formulated last; the First Law was second; the Third Law might not even be a law in the same sense as the others." -P.W. Atkins in his book "The 2nd Law"-

Ahahahaha... physicists are so weird.

Never, ever, ever..... ever!

2007-10-25T15:32:00.000-05:00

I've come to the conclusion that one should never, ever go to see the doctor. If I actually make it through med school, you should definitely not come see me. In fact, I recommend against following my recommendations!*

So I went to a dermatologist a couple of weeks ago for hair loss on the sides of my legs (ultimately a result of the chemo). They weren't too impressed with that, but they lopped every mole off my back just for the fun of it. I knew that the path report would say "atypical" and "dysplastic" meaning precancerous. I've been in a path lab and they always say that just to avoid the liability of being wrong.

Today, I got a call from the dermatologist who said my path report proclaimed my nevi to be "dysplastic" and "atypical." Surprise. She wants to go in and hack away at me some more--to take a few inches off around the holes in my skin. The question is... how much more of this do I care to do? I've already got stage four brain cancer, how much more can a few little dysplastic nevi hurt me? I've got news for you skin folks; I'm an atypical sort of guy. I always have been. Quit picking on me!

Jerks.

*Is that my own liar's paradox?

Thirtieth Post....

2007-10-14T22:10:00.000-05:00

I haven't got a whole lot to say right now. Things on the brain tumor front have been going well. The last round of temazolamide wasn't too bad and I've got another MRI coming up on Friday. I spoke at a caregiver conference a few weeks ago and that was well received. I'm going to talk to some classmates about GMBs and what it's like to actually have one of these diseases you only read about in textbooks. Really, things are good. Another person said I should write a book... any suggestions for a title?

BBQ Tetun

2007-10-07T19:49:00.000-05:00

Hey all... In my searching through my files today, I found a thing that made me long for my time in East Timor. It's a set of translations by a Scotish/Australian doctor I met there, Jim Hudson, with whom I became good friends. I could never understand a word he said. He wrote this up for a barbeque after our trip. With regards to the Dorich, your guess is as good as mine! I copied it exactly as was written 'cept that which appears in [brackets].

-------------------

BBQ TETUN

All words and phrases given first in TETUN, followed by 'Strine/English/Dorich

GREETINGS

Botarde
Gi'dday/Good afternoon/Fooz yer dooz?

Diak Ka Lie
Howyagoin'/How are you/fit like min

Diak
Good/Very well thank you/Chavin awa

CONVERSATION

Ha'u naran
My name is....../Ahm........

Ha'u hakarak....... hahan/hemu/toba hamutuk ita nia oan-feto
I would like to..... eat/drink/sleep with your daughter
Widdnae' min'ah.. feed/swallay/shag wu yur quine

Sei, 'nee hau cerveja
Sod off that's my beer/I'm sorry old boy that's my beer/Pishaff tha's ma pin'

Hau.... malaria/paraparo/lepra....... lie ha
I do not..... have malaria/tuberculosis/leprosy

Ita moras macas ida?
Do you suffer from any transmissible diseases?

FOOD AND DRINK

Hu'a hakarak cerveja ida
Gimme a stubbie mate/Could I please have a glass of beer/geesa pint min

Fo ha'u na'an ho pa'un
Gimme a hamburger mate/I would like a piece of meat with that bread please/geesa peece min

Belle fo modo ta'han ha'u
Pass the veggies/salad/rubbit food

Cerveja iha nee hanesan mi busa
This beer tastes like catspiss/I'm afraid your beer is off/gads min yer beerstaff

Ha'u lanu
I'm pissed/I'm tired and emotional/Ahm pesht [USA: I'm drunk]

Ita lanu
You're pissed/you're innebriated my man/Yer pesht min

Nia lanu
He's pissed/he's innebriated/ees pesht

Imi lanu
You're all pissed, I'm not/You are all innebriated whilst I am not/Yur aw pesht 'sept me

Ami lanu
We're all pissed, except you/We are all tired and emotional with the exception of yourself/Wir aw pesht 'sept yoo

WEATHER

Ha'u manas ohin
Flammin' hot mate/I say, it's a little warm today/Its affa hate

Ha'u malirin macas
F***in' freezin' mate/I say, its rather cold today/could freeze the baas affa brass monkey

Udan la mais/rain maran
Jeez its dry as a **** with no **** play/Very dry for this time of year old boy/(no Dorich equivalents, as always raining in Scotland)

WORK

Halo Saida?
What dya do furra crust?/What is your business old boy?/Go'ajob?

H'au...... enfermiera/mestre/halo uma/dotor/puta/estudante/polisi/bispu bello
I'm a...... Nurse/Teacher/Builder/Doctor/Prostitute/Estudante/Policeman/Bishop Bello of Dili/(No Dorich equivalents)

H'au halo la buat ida
Buggerall/I am unemployed/Ahmonrabroo Pal

GOODBYES

Ate... logo/amanya
See you... later/tomorrow

Maromak sie selu ita
God bless you

Het hotu
Get stuffed/go forth and multiply/peschaff

Haree Dalan
Watch out for the breathalizer/Be careful on the road old boy/Ge'atakasi

--Dr. Jim Hudson--

Blah blah...

2007-10-04T21:16:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. I haven't been doing this whole "blog" thing. It's not like it was my idea, yeesh. Or maybe it was my idea.... hmmm....

Anyhow, things are good. My parents are back from stopping Xerxes. I'm in West Virginia hanging out with my dog. Another person told me I should write a book... so if med school doesn't work out, that's another option.

That's all for now. I'm on my period now (read: taking the chemo), so once I feel better I'll post something better than this. Just so you know, cancer blows. I don't recommend it.

m

Jon's Favorite Things

2007-09-19T19:50:00.000-05:00

If you don't know, Jon is my little brother. I warned him that if he wouldn't give everybody the answer to the trivia question, I'd put a post about my favorite ways to psychologically torture him. I hope his friends read some of this and perhaps you can add a few of your favorite ways to torture your little sibs.

My current favorite is picking a topic he knows a lot about (he's an engineering major) and telling him about it, preferably in front of our parents, Katie (our older sister), or his friends. If I disagree with whatever he says, that helps to feed the flames. An alternative is to take a subject he knows a lot about, remind him that Einstein said "If you can't explain it to your grandmother, you don't really understand it," and proceed to never understand it. That last one is a technique I favored in his last visit to Oak Park. I call this the "I know more than you" and the "Reverse I know more than you."

Oldies but goodies include torturing him about whatever lady interest he has now. I've never really been attached to that one because I've also been pretty shy about my lady interests. However, if you're determined to go down that path, your strategy can be just repeating "Jon and XXX sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G..." That's a good solid strategy if you're still in grade school, but can also be used when you're our age with a sense of rediculous humor. Another strategy (especially if he doesn't know you're aware of her) is to tell him you went on a date with a girl of her exact description. Whoops! But again... these aren't my favorites. These are called the "Jon and XXX sittin' in a tree" for obvious reasons and the "Oh God my 6 foot something brother is going to kill me but it was worth it."

When we were little, Jon was often too little to play sports with us (he's a lot bigger than me now HA!), so we would let him be the referee. Of course, he didn't know any of the rules of the sport (usually we didn't either), so naturally, we hated him. That also didn't last too long because (a) it was pretty mean to make all the big kids hate him and (b) we had another kid down the road who whined about everything... so it was much easier to hate that guy. This was one of my earliest days of torturing him so I haven't thought of a good name for it yet.

Finally, I think my all time favorite is using the parents. For example, both his and my favorite chair in the living room is constantly contested. I typically would drop down to the floor (I love laying on the floor and playing with the dog) and clearly be out of the chair. Jon would, of course, come down from his bedroom and sit in the chair. I then, would immediately want the chair back and appeal to Mom and Dad. Usually that involved some 5, or 10, or 30 minutes long rule depending on how long I'd been out of the chair. Jon would always, predictably and understandably, flip his freaking lid. That always made cool calm me sound much better and usually Mom would side with me based solely on Jon yelling. Dad couldn't possibly care less. The effect was always amplified by me covertly sticking my tongue out at him as he surrendered the chair. You have to be careful with this method though. You don't want to win too often, lest the parents feel bad. So you can set up contests that you don't care about and let him win. HA! That one is known as "the parent's authority rules all so I'm going to use it to get a chair." I tended to have long names.

However, I should say Jon is an excellent guy despite my psychological torture growing up. It's a miracle that he doesn't have anger issues. Plus, I probably can't ever use any of these again... 'cept maybe the "I know more than you" and "Reverse I know more than you." Those are just brilliant and he gets so mad!! I love it!

But anyhow... Jon, I love you man. And the answer was John Brown Fort.

τοις δέ στρατιώταις παρήγγειλεν αριστοποιεϊσθαι ως εν Αδου δειπνησομένοις

2007-09-17T20:56:00.000-05:00

As with Thermopylae and Leonidas, my parents head to Greece to defend against the Persians! I'm sure Xerxes will be there to meet them. I was so worried that they wouldn't take this trip on account of me, but it finally happened! They're going with a few couples and they'll get to spend 10 days on a boat. I'm just very happy for them. They deserve it!

Bon Voyage!

-m-

PS... There's a building on roughly Michigan Ave and Illinois in downtown Chicago that has stones from famous pieces of architecture from around the world. What is the stone from West Virginia? yes... there is one...

If you've been counting...

2007-09-08T09:57:00.001-05:00

If you've been counting, it's been a solid two months since my last MRI. That's the first time I've gone two months without one since I quit radiation a while back. Given, I chose the new way of doing it and I asked for it, but it just made this picture yesterday that much more nerve racking...

The tumor did, however, shrink!!! I'm so happy. I dunno how I'm supposed to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers but I do. I do. I do. I do.

Much Love...

Michael

PS... Trivia: who had a GBM, composed along with his lyricist brother, and had his music covered by Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, Bing Crosby, John Coltrane, Frank Sinatra, Billie Holiday, Miles Davis, Herbie Hancock, Judy Garland, Julie Andrews, Barbra Streisand, Marni Nixon, Natalie Cole, Nina Simone, John Fahey, and Sting. He'da loved the summertime, when the livin' is easy.

PPS... by popular demand... This is a home video I made for my cousin in Actual Virginia (not West Virginia).

Amazing Grace...

2007-09-05T22:16:00.000-05:00

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That sav’d a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev’d;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ’d!

Thro’ many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promis’d good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call’d me here below,
Will be forever mine.

--John Newton (1725-1807)

Next Blog!

2007-08-22T22:15:00.000-05:00

So... I've had flashes of thoughts throughout the day of what to write in my blog. I should really write them down because I can't ever remember good ideas after I think of them. Anyhow, what lies before you is definitely a pretty boring idea, but I felt I needed something positive at the top of the page for a while. It's that 4 week thing... ya know.

The whole notion of coming up with blogs is strange to me. First, how can you ever know what people care about? You have virtually no feedback other than the counter (I'm watching you Jonathan!) and comments. I thought I'd write about my cancer, but honest to God I'm healthy. I have some issues every once in a while, but they're usually all in my head. What I'm left with is a rambling of whatever is bouncing around in my noggin and that's typically pretty weird.

That weird stuff is what worries me. So many people get online and use their blogs as a personal diary (making them diarrhea). They just get on here and spill their guts out for the whole world to see. Maybe that's nice for them, but c'mon... nobody else wants to see that. And it's amazing how many people do that--just click on the "next blog" at the top of this page.

I've been trying, sometimes successfully and sometimes unsuccessfully, to stay away from that diary feel. I've tried to put things together so that people can understand what this is like and so that other folks with cancer can understand the ups and downs that it puts you through, and how that's normal.

The other thing that people tend to do is try to be funny in their blog when they're very, very clearly not. I'm one of these people. I try to lighten the mood and painfully put out whatever I think is funny when I'm sitting alone unable to sleep on a weeknight. It almost never works and I'm so sorry for wasting your time by having you read it. I will, however, continue to do so.

Next Blog!

Some more thoughts

2007-08-20T12:35:00.000-05:00

Here's a thought on cancer. It blows. It's not fun, it's not funny, and I definitely can't get away from it. I thought of a some nice anecdotes to descibe my experience thus far. Cancer's like a joke that is too drawn out and doesn't have a punchline. It's one of those situations where you want to laugh and say "hey, remember when..." but the times you want to laugh at aren't funny. I've had a hangover for seven months and despite what you may think, actually getting a hangover doesn't reverse the effect, it just makes it worse.

No, I don't have any bad news. I'm just tired, cranky and am not getting enough studying done. I'm just sick of this nonsense.

just in case you were wondering...

2007-08-11T12:43:00.000-05:00

Just in case you were wondering, these depressing sorts of posts tend to come in about 4 week cycles. That's because the Temodar (the chemo that I'm on) comes in 4 week cycles and it depresses the hell out of me. Ech. So don't mind me, I'll just crawl in a hole and die for the next week. Hopefully then, I'll reemerge happy and go-lucky. It'll be like a polar bear or the phoenix of legend.

Until then, peace....

Mike

It's all fine and dandy...

2007-08-11T09:00:00.000-05:00

When I interviewed for medical school, my second interviewer gave me one of the questions I thought was the best of my interview trail. He asked, "if you were stricken with a terrible illness during your time here, would you continue with your medical education?" Ignore for a second my current situation; I thought this was a particularly good question because it obviously highlighted the students committment to medicine and their resolve to complete the degree irrespective of the challenges they might face. I answered "absolutely," with no qualifiers, and he thought that was an excellent answer. Clearly, I got into the school!

However, it's never quite so simple. Medical school isn't just about passing, failing, and earning a degree. You work with real people, real patients, patients you can hurt. This is a conundrum that medical education faces constantly. We can talk about how many safeguards there are when medical students are doing the operating, but do you really think if the chief of surgery's own kid is splayed out on the table a medical student is going to make the incision? There is an inherent risk to having medical students at all in an operating room, learning any procedure, or participating in a clinic. But we accept that risk (knowingly or unknowingly) because it's necessary for future generations to have doctors at all.

This is all fine and dandy and is the subject of chapters if not whole books on medical education. However, the whole idea presumes that medical students are continually getting better and more adept at their chosen profession. What do we do then, if a medical student isn't getting better? What if the illness my interviewer talked about affected my abilities to do manual tasks, to understand instructions, to learn? How will I know when it does?

My fear is, whether I'm just biding my time until that happens with none of the benefit for patients. While I don't believe I have the problems above, I am well aware that they could pop up very suddenly and at any time. What I'm not willing to do is put patients at unnecessary risk. What is their benefit from me being in the clinic or the operating room? If I make a tragic mistake, where is the benefit I could point to that says, "I needed to be there?"

My point is, as I walk into the wards a year from now with as little responsibility as I will have, I still can cause a "screw up." I know every medical student can, and likely will, cause a "screw up." But if I allow that to happen just because I'm too proud to give up my education for a brain tumor, how is that okay? The current answer is that I'm not just being babysat. I'm like every other medical student going on to become a doctor. That's the thought that keeps me here now.

Either way, maybe some qualifiers would have been wise on my interview three years ago. Or at least I could have thought about how unbelievably hard that question has proven to be.

Mike

Scrubs

2007-08-04T17:55:00.000-05:00

It's funny how we find inspiration. Some people find it by looking to inspiring figures; presidents, heros, parents, and... well... whatever historical figure you can find in the encyclopedia. Others look to imaginary characters like Dumbeldore and Snow White. Doctors tend to look to something more profound, more deeply moving, people like those on the smash hit TV show Scrubs.

We* fall into the following categories or rather, category. Every last med student is a JTurkCoxelTonIot D Reed, MD. The name is eastern European. We are all very strange like JD... drifting off into our.........

Turkelton tends to bring out the cool surgeon in us. We want to be calm and cool and collected, yet still geeky under our scrubs, and who know all "the Bunch" episodes. How did that become cool? Plus he's been with Carla and you've got to love that. Chris Turk is the man.

Cox is the doctor we all want to be, but we never ever ever ever want to be. He seems to know all of the board questions, can PIMP anybody on anything, but can never seem to end a goshdarn, run-on, overuse-of-the-commas-and-hyphens, uselessly insulting for the recipient, who is clearly not paying attention because he's so bored with this 10,000'th rant, and how many times can he call me a girl's name, oh God please love me Dr. Cox. Uh... what?

Eliot. I don't have, like, anything to say about Eliot because I'm, well, nothing like her. 'Cept she's, like, totally best friends with Carla and Carla is smokin'. Oh yeah, and Eliot knows everything and is completely insecure but we already have somebody like that (see above).

I didn't mention Dr. Jan Itor, The Todd, or many of the other characters because, well I'm tired of writing now. In the end, we all find our inspiration in those most importortant people, television characters. Really, they all represent the good and the bad in us medical students. And good and bad and the ins and outs and in and out and in and out. High five for the stretch on the sex joke.

And I love Carla.

J.D.

* med students = doctors... Scrubs doctors! duh

American Chestnut Tree

2007-07-21T19:21:00.000-05:00

Considering that last post was kindof serious and considering I’m no longer in such a serious mood, I thought I’d post something funny or interesting. First of all, the fact that I’m in a good mood is entirely weird. I spent the first half of the day locked in a room with a bunch of dead bodies and their spinal cords. Surprisingly, that put me in a good mood. Make of that what you will.

I should tell you about the American Chestnut Tree. DO YOU know about the American Chestnut Tree?

Prior to the 1900’s, there existed a tree that dominated the eastern United States. It accounted for one in four trees in the Appalachians. The American Chestnut Tree was a major cash crop as it could be used for fence posts, furniture, sticks to hit your brother with, flooring, and bar tops! It was also a beautiful wood for those of us who like woodworking. And they were huge. They could be over 100 feet tall and 10 feet in diameter. They were the Giant Redwoods of the East.

Linked from the Forest History Society Image Database

The chestnuts were apparently amazing! Ever heard of the song “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire?” Well it’s about the American Chestnut. I guess they were sweet and you could either roast them in the oven or just pluck ‘em off the ground.

But then in 1904, in New York City*, they introduced** the chestnut blight. Cryphonectria parasitica was just a common fungus and native to the Chinese Chestnut, which is the tree most people have nowadays.*** However, the American Chestnut was overwhelmed by the non-native infection and the entire population of 4 billion trees was completely decimated in a few decades. Deforestation and replantation over the years has eliminated almost any trace that the trees even existed. It makes national headlines when a single tree is discovered nowadays.

There are several efforts to cross breed the American Chestnut Tree with the Chinese Chestnut to get the resistance mechanisms and maintain all the other characteristics of the American Chestnut. It takes a long time—at least five years per generation—and there aren’t very many people who know enough to miss the old giants. The effort is small, but it’s there, and in several years they’ll have trees to start repopulating.

There ya go. Now you know about the American Chestnut Tree. At least I didn’t tell you about my fun morning alone in the Anatomy Lab… egh.

Mike!

* damn city dwellers
** “ooh I swear it wasn’t me… it must have been Jersey”
*** it’s a weakling… tiny, poor wood, and the nuts don’t taste good… yuck

Uncertainty

2007-07-19T20:46:00.000-05:00

My Mom said something to me today. She said that we can so easily become lost in the things to come that we forget to focus on what we’re doing now. I suppose I’ve been doing the former at the expense of the latter. The most difficult problem with my cancer has been that I have been so focused on the future that I’ve often stopped enjoying the moment.

Your response might be that all medical students are like that. Perhaps mine are expounded because I’ve had to take a half-year off and have all the time in the world to ponder my situation. But I don’t think that’s that case. I don’t just think about how hard school will be; I’m terrified that I’ve lost too much cognitive ability to do it at all. I don’t just think about residencies; I think about residencies I can go into with my disease. I don’t just think about whether I can provide good care; I worry about hurting patients down the road. I could go on and on and write a book about each of them. They are very real concerns and I will come to face them sometime.

I’ve always been one to plan ahead. If I thought about something long enough, I’d come to the right answer. No matter how big a problem seemed to be, no matter how many there were, I could always just put a little bit of time into it. Now, I’ve spent months looking at so many uncertainties without any logical answers. Without having had realized it, I’ve driven myself into a really bad place. I’ve considered not providing care, not attending residency, driving back home and not doing school at all.

My Mom in her sweet, unassuming sort of wisdom sprung the idea on me that it’s okay to leave extremely important things uncertain. It’s fine to proceed without having any idea how you’re going to deal with the later stuff. I don’t have put “a little bit of time into it,” not because those things are unimportant, but because I can’t answer them now. And I guess that’s okay too.

Thanks Mom.

Shortest Post of All Time

2007-07-11T21:19:00.000-05:00

This'll be my shortest post ever. Both the solid tumor and the cystic part shrank during the last month! Woohoo!

Also, we're approaching the landmark of 1000 people having had visited this site since it's inception. While I thank you very much for your support... the internet has many more interesting things out there. Look up youtube.com. It's interesting too.

Mike

Putzing Around School

2007-07-05T20:47:00.000-05:00

Hey all...

Sorry I've been so neglectful of the blog, but there's just not much to say! My brain is pretty normal (well, normal for me haha) and the tumor still stable. I'm going to have another MRI tomorrow, moreso to ensure that I'm okay to reduce the steroids (I'm on dexamethazone) than anything.* Losing the steroids will be great because they are the reason for pretty much all of the ill effects of my drugs.

From here on out I hopefully will have the MRI's on 2 month cycles rather than 1 month. If there's anything going on in my pretty little head, I'll know before the MRI does and can alert the doctors.

For all of you who have seen me around school moping about... looking lost and sad and confused... there's actually been a reason for me being there besides me pretending to be a third year. I have been getting research started in the neuropath department, maybe some with a neurosurg resident (I haven't heard back from him yet), going to grand rounds, and have been observing the Neuro Oncology Tumor Board, which hopefully I'll help manage in a few weeks. So really, there's a reason for me to be there other than steal your cookies and cranberry juice.

I can't really think of much else to say. Maybe I'll amuse you with my musings at another date. For a blog that's supposed to be about my cancer, I thank God there's not much to say. Perhaps I'll expand further into other topics... such as why I spent 4 hours today listening to my heart beat on the stethoscope and waiting for somebody to page me on my brand new pager. My mom did once I asked her to. And my brother. How sad.

Mike!

*For all you medical dorks out there, the dex reduces the mass effect from the tumor. On my last MRI the mass effect appeared to be going down and I feel significantly better... so we're gonna reduce the dex and hopefully drop it.

To Houston and Back

2007-06-19T15:20:00.000-05:00

Hi all,

My parents and I went down to Houston and it was pretty much what was expected. The doctors looked at my record and saw that everything was working fine. The tumor hasn't grown, the temazolamide is reasonably well tolerated, and I'm neurologically intact. They said literally, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." I agreed.

For some interesting statistics about my trip (gulp). Here are the final totals:

I traveled through 21 different states from Chicago to Colorado to California to Washington to West Virginia and back to Chicago
put 8043.8 miles on my car
burned 245.992 gallons of gas
spent 795.93 dollars on that gas
which actually left me with an impressive 32.76 miles to the gallon! On a 10 year old car!
The gas cost an average of 3.260 dollar/gallon ranging from 2.579 in wonderful Wyoming to a whopping 3.689 on June 3 here in Chicago.

That made me tired just thinking of it... yeesh!

From West Virginia to Chicago

2007-06-11T10:13:00.000-05:00

After that long drive to West Virginia, I needed some R&R and there was no better place to get it. We spent two days at home, four days at a nice cabin on Bluestone Lake, and two more days back home. The first two days were nice and relaxing as Memorial Day weekend should be. We went up to our family plot to visit the relatives and my Dad gave us the rundown on who they are. Probably we should learn that too, but it's fun to see him get so excited!

Bluestone Lake was pretty exciting too. We finally caught some fish as you can see in the picture to the left. I guess large mouth bass have to start somewhere! And damnit... we'll catch 'em when they're that young. Catch and release of course.

We also had some of that salmon that I brought out from Seattle. That was deeeeeelicious. But enough with the food references.

The Friday we got back from the lake I took my car over to get the brake lights fixed (they had been out for pretty much the whole trip) and the window sticker updated. I also went to see the DMV to get a breast cancer awareness lisence plate. Why, you ask? Because they don't have brain cancer lisence plates, so I chose the closest thing to my mind...

Anyhow, the brake lights, the sticker, and the plates went fine. But when I got into my car after they finished up, the check engine light was on. Now it's even weirder than that. I had him take the car back and run a diagnostics check on it. It said the oxygen sensor was bad in the exhaust. Huh? The exhaust is definitely nowhere near the brake light switch so how could I blame them??? I couldn't, so we ordered an oxygen sensor (one expensive SOB). An hour later, it arrived and they plugged it in and they still had the check engine light for the same reason. Unfortunately, now it's closing time and the boss had gone to his daughter's softball game. They sent me on with my car, but without charging us for the O2 sensor.

Okay, well whatever. I can drive back to Chicago with a bad O2 sensor. Or at least that's what I thought. About a half a block away from the car care place I notice that none of my guages are working. Not the speedometer, the tachometer, nothing. Thirty seconds later... the car dies. It's completely dead with no electrical activity at all. I manage to get the car pulled off the road and call my house.

I'm supposed to go up to Chicago on Sunday to have an MRI on Monday. It's now Friday night and we have to find someone to fix my car on a Saturday. Egh. One of our finest friends, Danny, is a retired car fellow who's been in the business for longer than my parents have been alive. My Mom calls Danny to come rescue me and he sure does. He puts enough charge on the battery to get me to his house where we can make an appropriate diagnosis. When we get there, after much hemming and hawing, we (read: Danny) determined that it's either the voltage regulator or the alternator... and they're both in the same unit. Fortunately, he said that once we got that replaced, everything else would fall in line.

We actually managed to find a shop that was open Saturday morning, they replaced the alternator, and we managed to drive on back. Danny was absolutely right about everything falling back into line. We got sent out from the garage with a bad O2 sensor and it turned out to be the alternator... go figure. What I still can't figure out is why the heck the thing started happening when it did. I just took the car in to get the brake lights fixed!

That Sunday I drove back to Chicago, uneventfully, and got settled in. The MRI hadn't changed a bit since the previous one, which is phenominal. My speech problems are non-existant now and I feel better than ever. I've even gone to the gym a couple of times and while I'm a pile of dough, it feels good to be working out again.

Tomorrow, I'll go down to MD Anderson to meet with the neurosurgeon and neuro-oncologist down there. The neurosurgeon will probably say, "what do you want to do? Surgery or no surgery?" And I'll probably say, "no surgery." I'm not sure about that, but I can't bear the thought of another 6 months of recovery for limited benefit. I'll let you know what happens after.

Mike

From Seattle to West Virginia...

2007-06-01T20:32:00.000-05:00

I suppose "tomorrow" didn't work out so well... sorry!

Anyhow, my cruise out to Seattle was very cool. Katie (my sister) and I ate at this Paco's or Potato's or Peso's (I can't quite remember) three times in two days! Why'd we do that? They had these breakfast and dinner happy hours that you just couldn't beat! We had crab benedict for breakfast for only $6. Holy crap and I love breakfast.

Speaking of food... we also ate at this Greek place that was also amazing. Apparently they're open whenever they feel like it and fortunately they were open when we were there. With my sister's friends we drank two bottles of wine and downed countless appetizers. It was great fun!

Finally on the menu (can you tell a theme?) was some of the salmon from the fish market. Copper River salmon was some of the finest I've ever tasted... fresh from the river and into our mouths! It was so delicious I decided to take some back to West Virginia. Yummm.... Maybe I can order some to take back to Chicago.

Anyhow... zip! I drove all the way back to West Virginia. That was pretty aweful because all I did was drive, then drive, then drive some more. When I got tired of driving, I still drove some more. Four full days of driving on interstates... but 2600 + miles later I arrived in West Virginia.

West Virginia will have to wait to a later date. Hahaha... maybe tomorrow!

For those of you who want to know about my GBM... no news is good news! I still haven't changed in form or function. That's as good as I can be!

Mike