Honest to God, I don't know what the title to this blog is supposed to mean. Either way, I'm not going to change it and you can take it as though I'm speaking to you. Because I am speaking to you.
Speaking of God, I think it's an opportune time to let you know how I feel about Him, this being the day we celebrate His resurrection and all. My relationship with Him is still a little strange. It's sort of like I'm looking at Him across the room, He's looking at me, and neither of us know what to say. It's very middle-school-esque. I don't blame Him for what's happened to me, I don't pretend to know what He's thinking, but I just don't know do with what I have and the turns my life has taken. What do I do?
Before this diagnosis, everything was so clear. You do the best you can, you be as morally righteous as you can, you even make every effort to help those in need. Bad things happen to good people, but you try your damn best to do right by them. If you're good at something, do that something. If you're not, don't do it. Living life was as easy as pie.
But life is different now. I can't do what I thought I was supposed to do. I'm writing but it really doesn't seem as I'm going anywhere. I produce these pages but I don't know what they're supposed to say. Writing, reading, pages, words, the tapping of the keyboard: it doesn't make sense, at least no sense that I can make of it.
Do you ever feel like you're being pulled in a direction but you don't know what the end is? It doesn't frighten you. You should be watching the road but you're pulled away by the scenic view. I feel like I'm pulled away by the view. I feel like God is pulling me. I'm not afraid but I have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going, or what the point is.
I think I'll go over to the punch bowl.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
bluaaaaahhhhhhhh...
So, this week is my period, meaning it’s the week that I take the chemo. I really have no idea how I’ll feel during this time. Sometimes I feel like vomiting all over the place, sometimes I feel depressed, and sometimes I feel totally okay. There hasn’t been any rhyme nor reason to my disposition or my comfort level from one moment to the next.
After sleeping about 11 hours last night, I thought it would be an excellent idea to get up and try to jog a bit this morning. I felt pretty good. I had to go pick up a book from the bookstore that I’d ordered. It was a decent morning to jog and I was looking forward to it.
Boy was that a mistake. I took off north and did well for about four blocks then I thought… man… I don’t feel all that well. I slowed to a walk as I approached Chicago Avenue and decided I’d turn around early. Walking along back to the bookstore I felt nauseous and light-headed. I can’t imagine what the bookstore lady though when she saw a guy in jogging clothes, ready to barf right in front of her, and buying a book called “Your Money or Your Life.” I made it home without barfing, but the moral of the story is… well… there is no moral to this story.
That’s all I’ve got.
After sleeping about 11 hours last night, I thought it would be an excellent idea to get up and try to jog a bit this morning. I felt pretty good. I had to go pick up a book from the bookstore that I’d ordered. It was a decent morning to jog and I was looking forward to it.
Boy was that a mistake. I took off north and did well for about four blocks then I thought… man… I don’t feel all that well. I slowed to a walk as I approached Chicago Avenue and decided I’d turn around early. Walking along back to the bookstore I felt nauseous and light-headed. I can’t imagine what the bookstore lady though when she saw a guy in jogging clothes, ready to barf right in front of her, and buying a book called “Your Money or Your Life.” I made it home without barfing, but the moral of the story is… well… there is no moral to this story.
That’s all I’ve got.
Monday, March 17, 2008
hmm...
Well... okay. For all the curious cats out there in the world, the hard thing about this whole "transition" has been figuring out what exactly I'll do. Of course doing nothing is fine and dandy for a little bit, but it can only last for about 36 hours until the boredom and lack of prospects overwhelm me. And they do overwhelm me.
However, I can't get a job in the traditional sense because I expect it would cause the same problems that I had with school. That is, the fatigue, the time, the chemo and on and on. So... what do I do now?
I think I've settled into writing. I enjoy doing it, I get to work for myself, and hopefully I have some amount of talent. Great. I sit at home all day (or out in the community) but I'm producing something, I don't get bored, and I can set my own hours.
The only issues are a: there is no income until I get something published and b: people want to know what I'm writing about. They want to know a genre, a subject, a... well... anything. As of right now, I don't have any of the above. I'm trying to get myself used to writing by spilling whatever is floating around in my head out onto paper. I write a few pages a day (largely it's nonsensical) and occasionally they congeal into a logical thought. Sometimes it's fictional, sometimes it's non-fictional, usually it's a mixture of the two.
So, that's where I am now. The plan is to continue on until my money runs out or I publish something, whatever that may be.
peace,
m
However, I can't get a job in the traditional sense because I expect it would cause the same problems that I had with school. That is, the fatigue, the time, the chemo and on and on. So... what do I do now?
I think I've settled into writing. I enjoy doing it, I get to work for myself, and hopefully I have some amount of talent. Great. I sit at home all day (or out in the community) but I'm producing something, I don't get bored, and I can set my own hours.
The only issues are a: there is no income until I get something published and b: people want to know what I'm writing about. They want to know a genre, a subject, a... well... anything. As of right now, I don't have any of the above. I'm trying to get myself used to writing by spilling whatever is floating around in my head out onto paper. I write a few pages a day (largely it's nonsensical) and occasionally they congeal into a logical thought. Sometimes it's fictional, sometimes it's non-fictional, usually it's a mixture of the two.
So, that's where I am now. The plan is to continue on until my money runs out or I publish something, whatever that may be.
peace,
m
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Dear Family and Friends
Dear family and friends,
As many of you know, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor last year. I’ve tried hard to ignore the chemotherapy and the doctors’ appointments and the endless pills that I take, but recently it’s been too much. I can’t do all of the things in school that I expect of myself while keeping myself healthy. Ultimately, I’m just tired, I can’t keep up, and as a result I’ve decided to quit medical school.
Don’t worry. Nothing with regards to my health has changed for the worse. I just had an MRI and the tumor is getting incrementally smaller, as we hope it would be. But when the wheels are spinning and I’m not going anywhere, sometimes I just need to get out of the car and trudge through the mud myself. So that’s what I’m doing.
I don’t know what my plan is, but already I feel better. There’s far more out there in the world that I can explore. Hopefully, then, I can enrich peoples’ lives and better the world around me. Robert Louis Stevenson said, “Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.” I believe that.
Thus, I go forward into an unknown future and a startling abyss with the greatest of hope and the hand of God. The better angels in me wouldn’t have it any other way.
All my love,
Michael
PS. You can get my medical updates (and so much other junk floating around in my head), as well as keeping in touch, with the addresses below. Also, my sister, Katie, is running a half-marathon for cancer research. If you’d like to support her in that, I’ve attached her link too.
http://mike-c-gbm.blogspot.com
michael.brewster.davis@gmail.com
http://www.active.com/donate/tntwaak/katiestarrunner
As many of you know, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor last year. I’ve tried hard to ignore the chemotherapy and the doctors’ appointments and the endless pills that I take, but recently it’s been too much. I can’t do all of the things in school that I expect of myself while keeping myself healthy. Ultimately, I’m just tired, I can’t keep up, and as a result I’ve decided to quit medical school.
Don’t worry. Nothing with regards to my health has changed for the worse. I just had an MRI and the tumor is getting incrementally smaller, as we hope it would be. But when the wheels are spinning and I’m not going anywhere, sometimes I just need to get out of the car and trudge through the mud myself. So that’s what I’m doing.
I don’t know what my plan is, but already I feel better. There’s far more out there in the world that I can explore. Hopefully, then, I can enrich peoples’ lives and better the world around me. Robert Louis Stevenson said, “Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.” I believe that.
Thus, I go forward into an unknown future and a startling abyss with the greatest of hope and the hand of God. The better angels in me wouldn’t have it any other way.
All my love,
Michael
PS. You can get my medical updates (and so much other junk floating around in my head), as well as keeping in touch, with the addresses below. Also, my sister, Katie, is running a half-marathon for cancer research. If you’d like to support her in that, I’ve attached her link too.
http://mike-c-gbm.blogspot.com
michael.brewster.davis@gmail.com
http://www.active.com/donate/tntwaak/katiestarrunner
Sunday, March 2, 2008
From the sista, Katie
[Katie rocks... this is an email I got from her. You should support her in her efforts! -m-]
Hello, everyone!
It is really fantastic to go through my address book and scrounge up all of the names from my distant and not-so-distant past - I hope this finds you all well.
Anyway, I am writing because I have gone temporarily insane and signed myself up to run a half marathon with a group that raises money for cancer research. As we all know, cancer is lame and researching cures for cancer is decidedly not lame. The group is called Team in Training, and 75% of everything raised goes directly to the research. Everything else goes to an amazing program designed to help people do whatever crazy thing they signed up to do to raise money and offering support for people battling cancer. Basically, it's a great program full of very enthusiastic people who are all hopped up on endorphins from running so much.
If you love me and hate cancer, then you should support the effort... you can do so online at:
http://www.active.com/donate/tntwaak/katiestarrunner
which is a very simple little website, but you can make your donations there. If you want to make a donation some way other than over the internet, then let me know and I will send a letter, some kind of fancy form, and I can send a tax-receipt if you so desire. Also, if your company does matching gifts, please let me know!
Many thanks,
Katie Davis
Hello, everyone!
It is really fantastic to go through my address book and scrounge up all of the names from my distant and not-so-distant past - I hope this finds you all well.
Anyway, I am writing because I have gone temporarily insane and signed myself up to run a half marathon with a group that raises money for cancer research. As we all know, cancer is lame and researching cures for cancer is decidedly not lame. The group is called Team in Training, and 75% of everything raised goes directly to the research. Everything else goes to an amazing program designed to help people do whatever crazy thing they signed up to do to raise money and offering support for people battling cancer. Basically, it's a great program full of very enthusiastic people who are all hopped up on endorphins from running so much.
If you love me and hate cancer, then you should support the effort... you can do so online at:
http://www.active.com/donate/tntwaak/katiestarrunner
which is a very simple little website, but you can make your donations there. If you want to make a donation some way other than over the internet, then let me know and I will send a letter, some kind of fancy form, and I can send a tax-receipt if you so desire. Also, if your company does matching gifts, please let me know!
Many thanks,
Katie Davis
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