hmmm...

Last week's post was a bummer. Bummer bummer bummer. I do intend to volunteer, but I do have things to do which give me pride... a sense to giving. That's important--at least to me.

Erm... that's about all I have right now. I'll let you know what's going on when I do.

m

Pride and Cancer

I fear pride, my own pride, may be a late casualty in my doctors' war against my body. Let me be clear, I don't mean the effects, the side effects, the medication, the scars, or many other things that cancer and its treatment ravage against your body. Those things I knew were in my future the moment the neurosurgeon said it was a glioblastoma; that terrible son-of-a-bitch in my brain. Those things make me grow, make me stronger, they've made me more appreciative of the world and the people in it.

My pride, as I speak of it here, are the things people do to make their world better. Most everyone does it, mostly without knowing. You go to work, you manage your family, you pay bills and taxes and donate to and do the things you find good. You do the things that make the world go round, socially and economically, and these make the world better. This normal existence in all of it wonderful variances is what I wanted desperately. It's why I went to High School, CC, Loyola. Given, none of these things paid anything and mostly sucked a zillion dollars from somebody's pocket but I eventually intended to make something of them--to contribute to society and pave my own road both figuratively and literally speaking. I did them to be free to go anywhere in the world and do what I felt was my calling be that in East Timor or Chicago or West Virginia. I hoped to fall in love--raise a family. That's what I mean by pride. Doing something.

My own pride, I feel is slipping away. I'm not doing anything. The pictures I take are nice, but they aren't that good. The things I do, I do to occupy time. The doctor wants me to take Avastin for the "foreseeable future" (meaning till it stops working). That's once every two weeks and all the time I feel like crap. I haven't been able to think of a way to remedy this situation.

My mom suggested that I volunteer at the cancer center at Loyola. That's an idea and I honestly think I could do some real good there. The issues with volunteering at Loyola are twofold, rather threefold. First, I don't like seeing people doing what I can't do, that is being a medical student, a doctor. Anger, frustration, jealousy, etc. Second, I don't know if I can handle being around people with whatever cancer. I used to go to this website for young people with glioblastomas. That was great until I was the senior member of the forums. I stopped going to that.

That's the bitch of it. People die with my disease. I'm fortunate that I haven't, but I feel that volunteering in the cancer ward would be like the web forums. I make friends, I form relationships, they die. Yeah... it's a bitch.

I think I'm going to do it anyway. Volunteering that is the sort of thing that I can and have found pride in. It doesn't pay my bills, but it definitely lets me do good by people. Plus, what did I think would happen when I became a doctor? All my patients would be happy and no one ever dies? That happy go lucky medicine wasn't what I was interested in anyway. You go to the poorest, the sickest, the person who's on his death bed and you become his friend. I can't not do it because of my own situation, I have to do it because of it. Someday I'll be that person and I'd like a friend.

I suppose pride may have to mean something different. Scratch mobility, scratch socially, scratch economically. I'll have to take people's help when I need it and likewise pass it along however I can. Then, perhaps, the world will still go round.

Oh yeah... the third fold. Would I have to wear to goofy vests they make the highschoolers wear? That would be a deal breaker for me.

m

Out to San Fran...

I'm going to San Francisco for about a week. Here's a picture of me and my new neighbor. (She's actually my lovely sister too.)

auctions, circles, fishing, and pictures...

It's become apparent that the only way people can stalk me is through my blog.  This is even though I usually leave my blinds open and if you're lucky I'll dance for you.  Alas, even the guy above me has complained that I don't keep this thing up to date enough.  So, here we go.

I am in Chicago now and will likely do anything with anybody at anytime unless I'm doing something else with someone else at that same time.  Or I just don't want to, that'll prolly give you a thumbs down too.

I've been in West Virginia for a significant portion of September enjoying my family and the general fall weather.  We went up to visit Allegheny College in Pennsylvania to visit my brother.  I hadn't ever been there nor have I met his girlfriend who he's been going out with for a while.  In four years I felt I ought to go up there and meet someone once.  Call that a success.

On the point of side-trips, I had the intention of taking a trip south to western (not west) Virginia.  The Research Farm for the American Chestnut Tree, in which I have the upmost interest, is located about 5 hours south of our house.  And (insert Tina Fey) gosh darn it-pshew pshew, I wanted to see it.  So I put together a trip where I'd do some fly fishing, some birding, and take a tour of their research farm.  Well it turns out my one to two hours of fly fishing was so enticing it took all day.  By the time I got finished with that, there wasn't any time for anything else.  But if you want to do any fly fishing in southern West Virginia, I highly recommend Second Creek in Monroe Co.  Anyhow, fly fishing worked, bird and trees didn't.  No, I still didn't catch any of those gosh darn trout.  I felt like pshewing them, but I guess that wouldn't have been fair, not like those meese.

Back in Scott Depot, there's a really cruddy piece of property and house near where I grew up.  And I use the term "cruddy" kindly.  The previous owners defaulted on the loan and thus the bank owned it and wanted to auction it off.  So, a couple of our neighbors (including my folks) wanted to buy the property, let the fire department burn the house down for practice (apparently there aren't enough legit fires), and they wanted to build a neighborhood park.  I was more excited about the burning down the house, and perhaps the destruction of the foundation afterwards.  That would be awesome.  A smile comes across my face at the thought of it.  But alas, some dang flipper came in and bought it out from under us.  Or over us.  Well she paid more than our group could.  Phthtbtbthtb... no fire.

I'll leave the circles a mystery for right now.  They're keeping me from being bored when I have to stay in the apartment, don't feel good, or just want to stay here.  Confused yet?  Yeah, I usually am too when it comes the circles.  What can I say?  It's a mystery.  If you can figure out what the heck I'm talking about, I'll give you a prize.  A good prize.

As for the pictures... I have two for the blog that I took today.  Both are from Scoville Park.

Well... apparently only one will load.  I'll try the other one another time.  It's cool.  It's got bees.  Seriously.  Bees.

Well there ya go!  I finally got the thing to work.  The bees on the right are heading to a nest under the bush to the left.  This was actually hard to get.

That's all... thanks for stalking.  Oh, and props to my most distant stalker in Uganda right now, Justin List!  Stalk him here.

Mike

talk about nothin'

Well... I got back from a long trip to WV, which was fun and all that.  Really... I haven't a whole lot to say.

Other than... "Hello Mrs. O'Sullivan!"

I pretty much explained the whole way I feel, why I feel it, how I feel it in the last blog.  I swear once I come up with something interesting to say, it'll be right up here.  Anyhow, GO SOX!