Next Blog!

So... I've had flashes of thoughts throughout the day of what to write in my blog. I should really write them down because I can't ever remember good ideas after I think of them. Anyhow, what lies before you is definitely a pretty boring idea, but I felt I needed something positive at the top of the page for a while. It's that 4 week thing... ya know.

The whole notion of coming up with blogs is strange to me. First, how can you ever know what people care about? You have virtually no feedback other than the counter (I'm watching you Jonathan!) and comments. I thought I'd write about my cancer, but honest to God I'm healthy. I have some issues every once in a while, but they're usually all in my head. What I'm left with is a rambling of whatever is bouncing around in my noggin and that's typically pretty weird.

That weird stuff is what worries me. So many people get online and use their blogs as a personal diary (making them diarrhea). They just get on here and spill their guts out for the whole world to see. Maybe that's nice for them, but c'mon... nobody else wants to see that. And it's amazing how many people do that--just click on the "next blog" at the top of this page.

I've been trying, sometimes successfully and sometimes unsuccessfully, to stay away from that diary feel. I've tried to put things together so that people can understand what this is like and so that other folks with cancer can understand the ups and downs that it puts you through, and how that's normal.

The other thing that people tend to do is try to be funny in their blog when they're very, very clearly not. I'm one of these people. I try to lighten the mood and painfully put out whatever I think is funny when I'm sitting alone unable to sleep on a weeknight. It almost never works and I'm so sorry for wasting your time by having you read it. I will, however, continue to do so.

Next Blog!

Some more thoughts

Here's a thought on cancer. It blows. It's not fun, it's not funny, and I definitely can't get away from it. I thought of a some nice anecdotes to descibe my experience thus far. Cancer's like a joke that is too drawn out and doesn't have a punchline. It's one of those situations where you want to laugh and say "hey, remember when..." but the times you want to laugh at aren't funny. I've had a hangover for seven months and despite what you may think, actually getting a hangover doesn't reverse the effect, it just makes it worse.

No, I don't have any bad news. I'm just tired, cranky and am not getting enough studying done. I'm just sick of this nonsense.

just in case you were wondering...

Just in case you were wondering, these depressing sorts of posts tend to come in about 4 week cycles. That's because the Temodar (the chemo that I'm on) comes in 4 week cycles and it depresses the hell out of me. Ech. So don't mind me, I'll just crawl in a hole and die for the next week. Hopefully then, I'll reemerge happy and go-lucky. It'll be like a polar bear or the phoenix of legend.

Until then, peace....

Mike

It's all fine and dandy...

When I interviewed for medical school, my second interviewer gave me one of the questions I thought was the best of my interview trail. He asked, "if you were stricken with a terrible illness during your time here, would you continue with your medical education?" Ignore for a second my current situation; I thought this was a particularly good question because it obviously highlighted the students committment to medicine and their resolve to complete the degree irrespective of the challenges they might face. I answered "absolutely," with no qualifiers, and he thought that was an excellent answer. Clearly, I got into the school!

However, it's never quite so simple. Medical school isn't just about passing, failing, and earning a degree. You work with real people, real patients, patients you can hurt. This is a conundrum that medical education faces constantly. We can talk about how many safeguards there are when medical students are doing the operating, but do you really think if the chief of surgery's own kid is splayed out on the table a medical student is going to make the incision? There is an inherent risk to having medical students at all in an operating room, learning any procedure, or participating in a clinic. But we accept that risk (knowingly or unknowingly) because it's necessary for future generations to have doctors at all.

This is all fine and dandy and is the subject of chapters if not whole books on medical education. However, the whole idea presumes that medical students are continually getting better and more adept at their chosen profession. What do we do then, if a medical student isn't getting better? What if the illness my interviewer talked about affected my abilities to do manual tasks, to understand instructions, to learn? How will I know when it does?

My fear is, whether I'm just biding my time until that happens with none of the benefit for patients. While I don't believe I have the problems above, I am well aware that they could pop up very suddenly and at any time. What I'm not willing to do is put patients at unnecessary risk. What is their benefit from me being in the clinic or the operating room? If I make a tragic mistake, where is the benefit I could point to that says, "I needed to be there?"

My point is, as I walk into the wards a year from now with as little responsibility as I will have, I still can cause a "screw up." I know every medical student can, and likely will, cause a "screw up." But if I allow that to happen just because I'm too proud to give up my education for a brain tumor, how is that okay? The current answer is that I'm not just being babysat. I'm like every other medical student going on to become a doctor. That's the thought that keeps me here now.

Either way, maybe some qualifiers would have been wise on my interview three years ago. Or at least I could have thought about how unbelievably hard that question has proven to be.

Mike

Scrubs

It's funny how we find inspiration. Some people find it by looking to inspiring figures; presidents, heros, parents, and... well... whatever historical figure you can find in the encyclopedia. Others look to imaginary characters like Dumbeldore and Snow White. Doctors tend to look to something more profound, more deeply moving, people like those on the smash hit TV show Scrubs.

We* fall into the following categories or rather, category. Every last med student is a JTurkCoxelTonIot D Reed, MD. The name is eastern European. We are all very strange like JD... drifting off into our.........

Turkelton tends to bring out the cool surgeon in us. We want to be calm and cool and collected, yet still geeky under our scrubs, and who know all "the Bunch" episodes. How did that become cool? Plus he's been with Carla and you've got to love that. Chris Turk is the man.

Cox is the doctor we all want to be, but we never ever ever ever want to be. He seems to know all of the board questions, can PIMP anybody on anything, but can never seem to end a goshdarn, run-on, overuse-of-the-commas-and-hyphens, uselessly insulting for the recipient, who is clearly not paying attention because he's so bored with this 10,000'th rant, and how many times can he call me a girl's name, oh God please love me Dr. Cox. Uh... what?

Eliot. I don't have, like, anything to say about Eliot because I'm, well, nothing like her. 'Cept she's, like, totally best friends with Carla and Carla is smokin'. Oh yeah, and Eliot knows everything and is completely insecure but we already have somebody like that (see above).

I didn't mention Dr. Jan Itor, The Todd, or many of the other characters because, well I'm tired of writing now. In the end, we all find our inspiration in those most importortant people, television characters. Really, they all represent the good and the bad in us medical students. And good and bad and the ins and outs and in and out and in and out. High five for the stretch on the sex joke.

And I love Carla.

J.D.

* med students = doctors... Scrubs doctors! duh