Thursday, July 24, 2008

picture day!

So I went to the Mississippi River yesterday (a long haul) and I took some pictures.







Thursday, July 17, 2008

clearly

Well... I agree... that last post was weird, but you got the point, clearly.

Really, life is good.  For all the positions I could be in, I certainly can't complain about where I am.  And I find that is the only thing that truly matters, where I am now.

My sister asked me a question during the time I was graduating from Colorado College way back in 2004.  She said, in essence, "do you regret anything about your time here?"  I thought about it a little bit and said, "there are things I've done that I'm not proud of, and there are things that I'm ashamed of, but ultimately they have all led me to this place with these people at this time.  I love my life now and so I don't regret anything that I've done, ever."

I thought that was a pretty good answer to a really deep question.  However, it's a question that I'd never had to ask myself through personally trying times.  So, I'll ask myself that now.  Do I have any regrets; anything I would take back; anything that if I could undo, would I undo?  Do I have any regrets?

No.  Absolutely not.  For all the debt I incurred; for all of my "drain on society's economy;" for all of the heartbreak, both for me and for my loved ones; I absolutely wouldn't change a thing that I've done or which has happened to me.  It's through these trials and tribulations that I find a clarity in my world through which I can enlighten other people.  Even if I knew the exact cause of my tumor, I still wouldn't go back in time to stop it.  

My cancer has given me (perhaps despite it's best efforts) greater relationships with my friends, a variety of exceptional mentors, and a deeper, more meaningful relationships with my family than I could ever have hoped for otherwise.  I believe I've been able to enrich their lives to a greater degree than I could have otherwise.  It's strange, and I'm aware that the cancer could shorten my life, but I'm grateful for the position I'm in, for this moment at this time with all of you who have been so supportive.

I believe in the life that God gave me, that it is right, and that I can do right by it.  How could I ever regret that?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

hmmm... What am I? a banana?

No... I'm boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddddddddd.

Let me restate.  I'm boooooooooooooooorrrrrrrreeeeeeddddddd boooooooooorrrrrreeeeeeeeddddd booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeed.

I feel really good and as a result of my increased energy, I'm boooooorred.  Bored.  Borrrrrrrrred.  Boredboredboredbored.  I'm looking for something to do so I can not be so bored.


Lets recap.  I'm not a banana.  I'm bored.  

Sigh.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

the state of my noggin

Okay... we saw an awful lot of doctors yesterday and Monday and we've devised a plan for the next month or so.  I'll start a few weeks ago and end up with what I've decided.

The disease has formed two structures in my head (and that's been the case since the beginning).  There is the tumor itself, which is solid anaplastic astrocytic tissue.  That's the scary/bad part.  Much larger and next to it is the cystic part, which is just fluid.  The cyst is big and there isn't really a lot of room to have a lot of fluid.  My head was filled to capacity before all this silliness.  So, the cyst can put a lot of pressure in my head.  If my brain tries to escape from my head, it's all bad.  It's like being hit in the head with a baseball bat extremely slowly... like... weeks or months.

Anyway, a few month ago I had an MRI and it showed a little bit of growth of the cystic part.  I wasn't particularly symptomatic, so we decided to wait and see.  Over the next two months I had trouble with my fine motor skills on my right side.  My handwriting went from chicken scratch to almost being unable to write at all.  I had to concentrate to coordinate my left and right sides for example to walk.  All of these things were slowly progressive, so I kindof knew what was going to happen.

My next MRI showed a small amount of size increase of the tumor (1cm -> 1.2cm) and the cyst has grown significantly, accounting for my issues.  

If you're a budding radiologist, this should tickle you.  The white part is the tumor, the bad part.  The grayish balloon looking thing is the cyst.  It's causing my problems.  If you look, you you can see it's pushing everything out of it's way.  The ventricals (the dark areas) have collapsed, and it's even taking up more than it's half.  It's like an annoying bedfellow, except it comes with Broca's Aphasia.  So it's even more annoying.  I bet it snores too.

So, I talked to the radiation oncologist, my oncologist, and my neurosurgeon in the middle of June and we came up with a tentative plan.  We would zap the tumor to stop its growth with radiosurgery.  A week later they would plan to drain the cyst.

The radiosurgery was pretty mild.  I think they crushed my supraorbital nerve with the head gear... I'm still numb, but it's slowly getting better.  Talk about experiencing your anatomy class!

In the neurosurgery they put in an ommaya, which allows them to control the amount of fluid in the cyst without doing major neurosurgery each time.  I call it getting my oil drained because it's as easy as them sticking a butterfly needle into my head.  HA!

I was hoping that this would just arrest my neurological decline.  Rather, I feel better than I have in months.  I've been off of chemotherapy for the longest time since my diagnosis, so the associated fatigue is largely gone.  I feel cognitively better, physically stronger, my fine motor skill are back, my handwriting is back to the chicken scratch that it was.  God bless Loyola Med... they did a hell of a job this time.

SO... what to do now?  We talked with my oncologist yesterday and his feeling was to hold steady until there's a reason to act.  That means I'm not going to go back on any drugs (chemo) or start any new drugs until I have an MRI a month from now.  I couldn't help but feel happy to not start the new drugs.  It's nerve wracking as all get out to not be doing anything... but the energy I have and the mental clarity is not something I want to give up.

Whew.... that was a long blog.  Thank you all for your support, especially Danny and Mary back home.  My folks are driving back to WV today, and you've been an excellent support system for them.  God bless.  Thanks also to my family, Mom, Dad, and Jon who were able to come out (and Katie for her long distance support).  I love you all.

Michael

ps... here's another picture, hopefully more pretty than the one of my head.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Just a short update...

So I got out of Loyola on 7/1... the operation was a total success, and I even walked away with new working parts. They released the pressure the cyst was causing, and immediately there's an improvement of my fine motion and my cognition. I'll be sure to write more later, but needless to say, I'm extremely pleased.