Ho Ho Ho!

Meeeerrrrrry Christmas!!!!

Circles

I don't actually have anything to say about the circles.  Ha.  Phthbtbttb.  I just thought I'd throw a post up how freaking cold it is in Chicago.  Who'da thought?  I realize that last year I wrote of wonderful, ethereal things about seasons changing that lots of people loved and that made me clap and do the "I'm cool" dance, which clearly hasn't yet, but it should catch on and... well... it's freaking cold in Chicago.

m

mmm... Thanksgiving

The post office is collecting my Oak Park mail and I'm absorbing the smell of home as I settle into Scott Depot for an extended stay. A trip back to Chi-town will probably be around the 3rd or 4th of December.

Thanksgiving, fall, weather, some snow flurries... I love it all.  I can't wait 'til my brother gets home tonight so that we can inevitably argue about whatever inane things we can come up with.  We'll have a pretty full house this year, six in total.  And they start arriving tonight, at least the other 3.

I'll let you know how it goes!  Lots of food, plenty of whiskey and wine, all kinds of people to make the situation interesting.

I can only hope that you have a good Thanksgiving too.

m

PS... My heart goes out to the family and friends of the youngest and the oldest governor to serve our state, Governor Cecil Underwood, who passed away yesterday at the ripe old age of 86.

hmmm...

Last week's post was a bummer. Bummer bummer bummer. I do intend to volunteer, but I do have things to do which give me pride... a sense to giving. That's important--at least to me.

Erm... that's about all I have right now. I'll let you know what's going on when I do.

m

Pride and Cancer

I fear pride, my own pride, may be a late casualty in my doctors' war against my body. Let me be clear, I don't mean the effects, the side effects, the medication, the scars, or many other things that cancer and its treatment ravage against your body. Those things I knew were in my future the moment the neurosurgeon said it was a glioblastoma; that terrible son-of-a-bitch in my brain. Those things make me grow, make me stronger, they've made me more appreciative of the world and the people in it.

My pride, as I speak of it here, are the things people do to make their world better. Most everyone does it, mostly without knowing. You go to work, you manage your family, you pay bills and taxes and donate to and do the things you find good. You do the things that make the world go round, socially and economically, and these make the world better. This normal existence in all of it wonderful variances is what I wanted desperately. It's why I went to High School, CC, Loyola. Given, none of these things paid anything and mostly sucked a zillion dollars from somebody's pocket but I eventually intended to make something of them--to contribute to society and pave my own road both figuratively and literally speaking. I did them to be free to go anywhere in the world and do what I felt was my calling be that in East Timor or Chicago or West Virginia. I hoped to fall in love--raise a family. That's what I mean by pride. Doing something.

My own pride, I feel is slipping away. I'm not doing anything. The pictures I take are nice, but they aren't that good. The things I do, I do to occupy time. The doctor wants me to take Avastin for the "foreseeable future" (meaning till it stops working). That's once every two weeks and all the time I feel like crap. I haven't been able to think of a way to remedy this situation.

My mom suggested that I volunteer at the cancer center at Loyola. That's an idea and I honestly think I could do some real good there. The issues with volunteering at Loyola are twofold, rather threefold. First, I don't like seeing people doing what I can't do, that is being a medical student, a doctor. Anger, frustration, jealousy, etc. Second, I don't know if I can handle being around people with whatever cancer. I used to go to this website for young people with glioblastomas. That was great until I was the senior member of the forums. I stopped going to that.

That's the bitch of it. People die with my disease. I'm fortunate that I haven't, but I feel that volunteering in the cancer ward would be like the web forums. I make friends, I form relationships, they die. Yeah... it's a bitch.

I think I'm going to do it anyway. Volunteering that is the sort of thing that I can and have found pride in. It doesn't pay my bills, but it definitely lets me do good by people. Plus, what did I think would happen when I became a doctor? All my patients would be happy and no one ever dies? That happy go lucky medicine wasn't what I was interested in anyway. You go to the poorest, the sickest, the person who's on his death bed and you become his friend. I can't not do it because of my own situation, I have to do it because of it. Someday I'll be that person and I'd like a friend.

I suppose pride may have to mean something different. Scratch mobility, scratch socially, scratch economically. I'll have to take people's help when I need it and likewise pass it along however I can. Then, perhaps, the world will still go round.

Oh yeah... the third fold. Would I have to wear to goofy vests they make the highschoolers wear? That would be a deal breaker for me.

m

Out to San Fran...

I'm going to San Francisco for about a week. Here's a picture of me and my new neighbor. (She's actually my lovely sister too.)

auctions, circles, fishing, and pictures...

It's become apparent that the only way people can stalk me is through my blog.  This is even though I usually leave my blinds open and if you're lucky I'll dance for you.  Alas, even the guy above me has complained that I don't keep this thing up to date enough.  So, here we go.

I am in Chicago now and will likely do anything with anybody at anytime unless I'm doing something else with someone else at that same time.  Or I just don't want to, that'll prolly give you a thumbs down too.

I've been in West Virginia for a significant portion of September enjoying my family and the general fall weather.  We went up to visit Allegheny College in Pennsylvania to visit my brother.  I hadn't ever been there nor have I met his girlfriend who he's been going out with for a while.  In four years I felt I ought to go up there and meet someone once.  Call that a success.

On the point of side-trips, I had the intention of taking a trip south to western (not west) Virginia.  The Research Farm for the American Chestnut Tree, in which I have the upmost interest, is located about 5 hours south of our house.  And (insert Tina Fey) gosh darn it-pshew pshew, I wanted to see it.  So I put together a trip where I'd do some fly fishing, some birding, and take a tour of their research farm.  Well it turns out my one to two hours of fly fishing was so enticing it took all day.  By the time I got finished with that, there wasn't any time for anything else.  But if you want to do any fly fishing in southern West Virginia, I highly recommend Second Creek in Monroe Co.  Anyhow, fly fishing worked, bird and trees didn't.  No, I still didn't catch any of those gosh darn trout.  I felt like pshewing them, but I guess that wouldn't have been fair, not like those meese.

Back in Scott Depot, there's a really cruddy piece of property and house near where I grew up.  And I use the term "cruddy" kindly.  The previous owners defaulted on the loan and thus the bank owned it and wanted to auction it off.  So, a couple of our neighbors (including my folks) wanted to buy the property, let the fire department burn the house down for practice (apparently there aren't enough legit fires), and they wanted to build a neighborhood park.  I was more excited about the burning down the house, and perhaps the destruction of the foundation afterwards.  That would be awesome.  A smile comes across my face at the thought of it.  But alas, some dang flipper came in and bought it out from under us.  Or over us.  Well she paid more than our group could.  Phthtbtbthtb... no fire.

I'll leave the circles a mystery for right now.  They're keeping me from being bored when I have to stay in the apartment, don't feel good, or just want to stay here.  Confused yet?  Yeah, I usually am too when it comes the circles.  What can I say?  It's a mystery.  If you can figure out what the heck I'm talking about, I'll give you a prize.  A good prize.

As for the pictures... I have two for the blog that I took today.  Both are from Scoville Park.

Well... apparently only one will load.  I'll try the other one another time.  It's cool.  It's got bees.  Seriously.  Bees.

Well there ya go!  I finally got the thing to work.  The bees on the right are heading to a nest under the bush to the left.  This was actually hard to get.

That's all... thanks for stalking.  Oh, and props to my most distant stalker in Uganda right now, Justin List!  Stalk him here.

Mike

talk about nothin'

Well... I got back from a long trip to WV, which was fun and all that.  Really... I haven't a whole lot to say.

Other than... "Hello Mrs. O'Sullivan!"

I pretty much explained the whole way I feel, why I feel it, how I feel it in the last blog.  I swear once I come up with something interesting to say, it'll be right up here.  Anyhow, GO SOX!

Food for neuroradiologists...

Or anybody else that needs proof that I do, in fact, have a brain in my head.  Albeit an interesting brain, but a brain nonetheless.

What follows is a series of MRI's that kindof demonstrate why I had the symptoms, then the lack of symptoms, then the recurrence of symptoms, and now on Avastin they're starting to get better.

This first image was taken on 6/9/08, which was prior to the second neurosurgery and radiosurgery.  I believe I actually posted this previously.  Remember that the white part is the veins/arteries surrounding the tumor.  That's what feeds the tumor and the cystic part, and that's bad.  The large gray part is the cystic part, which causes a large amount of pressure in my head.  The cystic part was squashing the ventricles, causing what we call "mass effect," and of course my symptoms.  We decided to do they radiosurgery to kill the tumor and the neurosurgery to drain the cyst.  Afterwards, if you've been following the blog, I felt great after all that was done.

This was my next MRI a little less than two months later.  My symptoms had returned and I was frustrated because the drain they put in didn't work anymore.  As anybody can see... there was a huge growth outside in the vasculature (arteries and veins) on the tumor itself.  The doctors didn't know whether that was a result of the tumor becoming more aggressive or an inflammatory reaction to the radiosurgery.  They hit it with a high dose of radiation and that can cause an awful lot of inflammation and swelling.  So, they didn't and I sure as heck didn't know.  So they started avastin which promised to clamp down on that vasculature either way.

Here's my latest scan, on 8/26/08 after two treatments with Avastin.  Clearly it looks better.  The white part is smaller and less defined, the cystic part is smaller, and the ventricles are looking far better, meaning there's less mass effect and my symptoms are better.

Definitely good news.

As an aside, I've been going birding, picture taking, and geocaching with my time recently.  I'll write a more light-hearted blog about that later.  In the interim, here are some pictures of some red-tailed hawks in the park east of Loyola.

All the best,

m

Lucy... you got some 'splainin' to do!

I suppose I owe you an explanation as to exactly why I went on the new drug, Avastin (bevacizumab [whatever you want to call it]).  So here's the explanation... and it's really not as exciting as you might think.

After my latest surgery I felt excellent.  They were able to put in an ommaya (type of drain), in which I could go in every week and have the pressure taken off.  I wasn't on chemotherapy.  I wasn't on steroids, I felt good, I was working out regularly, I was bored out of my mind, and things were looking good.  Hell, they were looking great.

Then, the ommaya stopped working because the drain tip (inside my brain) had become lodged in my brain itself.  They decided I didn't need my brain sucked out, so they stopped doing the drainage.  We made the decision that if my symptoms returned, they'd go back in and replace the ommaya.  Yikes... but I can deal with that.

A few weeks later the symptoms (inability to find words, bad handwriting... errr worse handwriting) returned with a vengeance.  True to form, they scheduled surgery and got an MRI.

However, the MRI didn't show the amount of swelling in the cystic part as one might think.  They discussed it in their little powwow they hold each week and thought surgery was a bad idea.  They felt that the swelling and inflammation was likely either due to the tumor itself acting up or simple inflammation from the radiosurgery they'd done a month or so earlier.  (My brain reacts slowly to radiosurgery... and everything else.)  Either way, surgery was off and they needed something to kill large numbers of blood vessels that feed the tumor and control the swelling.

Tadadedaaaa... there's just a drug for that!  It's Avastin.  Avastin is an angiogenesis inhibitor which will shrink the blood vessels.  Indeed, I just got a call from my neurosurgeon who looked at a new MRI and he said it shrank the blood vessels.  Furthermore, my symptoms have largely gone away.  Ain't science cool.

I take Avastin every 2 weeks by IV.  Again, I was most worried about nausea but fortunately that hasn't been a problem.  I don't feel great, but such is life with brain cancer.

The plan is to keep going with this until the end of October.  Then we'll take our best guess as to a) continue the avastin b) stop the avastin or c) stop the avastin and take another shot at the ommaya.  Who knows?  

Hmmm... I think that's it.

Mike

Evil Tendencies Cancel

Will the blight end the chestnut?

The farmers rather guess not.

It keeps smouldering at the roots

And sending up new shoots

Till another parasite

Shall come and end the blight.

Robert Frost - 1936

--

This might seem strangely depressing at first, but I like to think of it as the notion of the viruses they are working on to kill certain types of cancer.  The parallel can be made to a survivor in Castanea dentata, continuously sending up shoots.  Finally a harmless parasite kills the deadly parasite... and our American Chestnut tree survives.  At least that's how I like to think about it.  

home again home again...

I'm headed home again for the next week or so, that is to West Virginia.  It's been since early June since I've been there, so it's well timed.  I'll try to write more later.  Those cwazy characters that I meet!

Okay...

I'm gonna make this short, but the symptoms have returned in large part.  There are some reasons for that, but the option which I've chosen is to start Avastin.  That'll be one every two weeks and goes in IV.  I'll start today.

m

picture day!

So I went to the Mississippi River yesterday (a long haul) and I took some pictures.

clearly

Well... I agree... that last post was weird, but you got the point, clearly.

Really, life is good.  For all the positions I could be in, I certainly can't complain about where I am.  And I find that is the only thing that truly matters, where I am now.

My sister asked me a question during the time I was graduating from Colorado College way back in 2004.  She said, in essence, "do you regret anything about your time here?"  I thought about it a little bit and said, "there are things I've done that I'm not proud of, and there are things that I'm ashamed of, but ultimately they have all led me to this place with these people at this time.  I love my life now and so I don't regret anything that I've done, ever."

I thought that was a pretty good answer to a really deep question.  However, it's a question that I'd never had to ask myself through personally trying times.  So, I'll ask myself that now.  Do I have any regrets; anything I would take back; anything that if I could undo, would I undo?  Do I have any regrets?

No.  Absolutely not.  For all the debt I incurred; for all of my "drain on society's economy;" for all of the heartbreak, both for me and for my loved ones; I absolutely wouldn't change a thing that I've done or which has happened to me.  It's through these trials and tribulations that I find a clarity in my world through which I can enlighten other people.  Even if I knew the exact cause of my tumor, I still wouldn't go back in time to stop it.  

My cancer has given me (perhaps despite it's best efforts) greater relationships with my friends, a variety of exceptional mentors, and a deeper, more meaningful relationships with my family than I could ever have hoped for otherwise.  I believe I've been able to enrich their lives to a greater degree than I could have otherwise.  It's strange, and I'm aware that the cancer could shorten my life, but I'm grateful for the position I'm in, for this moment at this time with all of you who have been so supportive.

I believe in the life that God gave me, that it is right, and that I can do right by it.  How could I ever regret that?

hmmm... What am I? a banana?

No... I'm boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddddddddd.

Let me restate.  I'm boooooooooooooooorrrrrrrreeeeeeddddddd boooooooooorrrrrreeeeeeeeddddd booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeed.

I feel really good and as a result of my increased energy, I'm boooooorred.  Bored.  Borrrrrrrrred.  Boredboredboredbored.  I'm looking for something to do so I can not be so bored.

Lets recap.  I'm not a banana.  I'm bored.  

Sigh.

the state of my noggin

Okay... we saw an awful lot of doctors yesterday and Monday and we've devised a plan for the next month or so.  I'll start a few weeks ago and end up with what I've decided.

The disease has formed two structures in my head (and that's been the case since the beginning).  There is the tumor itself, which is solid anaplastic astrocytic tissue.  That's the scary/bad part.  Much larger and next to it is the cystic part, which is just fluid.  The cyst is big and there isn't really a lot of room to have a lot of fluid.  My head was filled to capacity before all this silliness.  So, the cyst can put a lot of pressure in my head.  If my brain tries to escape from my head, it's all bad.  It's like being hit in the head with a baseball bat extremely slowly... like... weeks or months.

Anyway, a few month ago I had an MRI and it showed a little bit of growth of the cystic part.  I wasn't particularly symptomatic, so we decided to wait and see.  Over the next two months I had trouble with my fine motor skills on my right side.  My handwriting went from chicken scratch to almost being unable to write at all.  I had to concentrate to coordinate my left and right sides for example to walk.  All of these things were slowly progressive, so I kindof knew what was going to happen.

My next MRI showed a small amount of size increase of the tumor (1cm -> 1.2cm) and the cyst has grown significantly, accounting for my issues.  

If you're a budding radiologist, this should tickle you.  The white part is the tumor, the bad part.  The grayish balloon looking thing is the cyst.  It's causing my problems.  If you look, you you can see it's pushing everything out of it's way.  The ventricals (the dark areas) have collapsed, and it's even taking up more than it's half.  It's like an annoying bedfellow, except it comes with Broca's Aphasia.  So it's even more annoying.  I bet it snores too.

So, I talked to the radiation oncologist, my oncologist, and my neurosurgeon in the middle of June and we came up with a tentative plan.  We would zap the tumor to stop its growth with radiosurgery.  A week later they would plan to drain the cyst.

The radiosurgery was pretty mild.  I think they crushed my supraorbital nerve with the head gear... I'm still numb, but it's slowly getting better.  Talk about experiencing your anatomy class!

In the neurosurgery they put in an ommaya, which allows them to control the amount of fluid in the cyst without doing major neurosurgery each time.  I call it getting my oil drained because it's as easy as them sticking a butterfly needle into my head.  HA!

I was hoping that this would just arrest my neurological decline.  Rather, I feel better than I have in months.  I've been off of chemotherapy for the longest time since my diagnosis, so the associated fatigue is largely gone.  I feel cognitively better, physically stronger, my fine motor skill are back, my handwriting is back to the chicken scratch that it was.  God bless Loyola Med... they did a hell of a job this time.

SO... what to do now?  We talked with my oncologist yesterday and his feeling was to hold steady until there's a reason to act.  That means I'm not going to go back on any drugs (chemo) or start any new drugs until I have an MRI a month from now.  I couldn't help but feel happy to not start the new drugs.  It's nerve wracking as all get out to not be doing anything... but the energy I have and the mental clarity is not something I want to give up.

Whew.... that was a long blog.  Thank you all for your support, especially Danny and Mary back home.  My folks are driving back to WV today, and you've been an excellent support system for them.  God bless.  Thanks also to my family, Mom, Dad, and Jon who were able to come out (and Katie for her long distance support).  I love you all.

Michael

ps... here's another picture, hopefully more pretty than the one of my head.

For all those who've been supporting me

Have a flower.

Just a short update...

So I got out of Loyola on 7/1... the operation was a total success, and I even walked away with new working parts. They released the pressure the cyst was causing, and immediately there's an improvement of my fine motion and my cognition. I'll be sure to write more later, but needless to say, I'm extremely pleased.

on with the other thing

So the thing with the radio-surgery is done. Other than having my eyes swollin' up like huge balls... I cant complain. Next is on the 27th when I'll spend three (i hope) days in the hospital. Wish me luck!

m

on with the other on

The neurosurgery is going to be on 6-27. I imagine it being like a dance... where everyone comes out.

on with the on

The radiation thing is now Monday 6-23. Stick that in your cap.

turning the page

Okay... anyway... my parents are back in WV now, I'm significantly less depressed than last night (where the doctors kept telling things, and they kept looking worse and worse and worse) and well, I'm a lot less tired than last night. I guess it was the wine or something that made me write that note, but either way I feel much better now.

If you can or want to, feel free to stop by Poor Phils this evening (6/14) around six. I can answer your questions, drink beer, eat bar food, and generally shoot the shikaka.

Mike

The few things I know...

Hey guys...

So I'll have gone in the MRI which was supposed to be normal. Unforfurnately it wasnt. Someof the the cystic and the tumor had grown. My parents are our now in town and just today we found what the is going on. They plan on going to radiation and then to surgery. Radiation will be friday the 20 (likely) then surgery will take place 23-25 then. Again... I really dont know.

Thats the most I can tell ya...

Mike

Back from Seattle...

Seattle was fun. Our family (as I suppose all families of graduating peops) does the endlessly long photographic session. At least it's good humor and the subject of which we can point and laugh at. That person's Andrew in these.



Phtbtbtbt....

Okay. Hmmm... what else do we have here. You realize that I have over 4500 pictures in my computer. I'll put up another neat on from Seattle:

Well THAT's not working. Sorry, no Seattle for you!

There's got to be more to talk about. I guess most people as "what am I doing now?" As a general rule I HATE this question (largely because the answer is nothing at all) but I certainly understand the inquisition and do appreciate the interest. But, like I said, mostly I'm doing nothing at all.

Most of the time I answer that I'm writing. While it's true, there are two problems with this. First, people want to know what your writing. People don't realize how long it takes to explain this... and I don't particularly like to talk about it. Secondly, however, is that I don't particularly like writing and nobody really believes that I'm doing it anyway. I don't know. The time between the beginning of that paragraph and and end of that paragraph was about 3 1/2 hours.

Sen. Kennedy and his Family

Today we learned that Senator Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with a glioma. Unquestionably, this is one of the hardest times both he and his family will go through. I wish them all the courage and strength to get their feet on the ground in a time when their doctors are telling them he's up for "radiation and chemotherapy." I can't image having to get that news and having to deal with the relentless media outside the hospital.

Sen. Kennedy, may your strength and endurance carry you through all of this.

6502 items

I have 6502 items... yes 20.6 endless days of music on my computer that I haven't even opened yet! That's unbelievable. Given that everyday I sit at my computer and EVERYDAY listen to several songs... I should be more than a quarter of the way through them.

Probably a reasonable question from you is... what the heck am I doing with so many songs that I haven't listened to. "Handling the problem" you say "is as easy as pressing the '=' button. It's just to the right one step." You've always been kindof strange like that. I continuously listen to the unlistened to music because it's in unlistened to music that you find the greatest surprises. Erin McKeowen, Feist, Nancy Sinatra... all of these I found because I left them in the unlistened to music.

The potential is there. All that I have to do is look. "The Left Banke," here I come.

m

Loving WV

I'm back from West Virginia. Man I love that place.

West Virginia....

I'm gonna go to West Virginia for a little while. It's a great state. Still working on that Hexagon globe... but i think it's going to end up looking like a bucky ball. That has pentagons in it. Bummer.

Peace!

The weather is just... startling

When this whole diagnosis happened over a year ago, I was hopeful and was doing okay but in all likelihood the cancer would catch up with me and tackle me at some point. So, I lived the mantra that I have always kept to live life to the fullest, to live every day like it was my last. The days still passed and my watch hands still go round and round, but now every day is so much sweeter.* Every thing I do holds that much more relevance in my life.

What I didn't expect was that the change in seasons would have such a profound emotional impact. The fact that it's warmer now is absolutely amazing to me. I go out to bask in the sun every chance I get. I run occasionally now. (Don't get too excited I'm not running a marathon like Katie is here.) The motion of the earth around the sun is so phenomenal and I can picture the sun's rays hitting us more directly now. I don't know... I don't know how to explain it. Every flower is so remarkable and every breeze that blows fills my nares with olfactory wonders. Both on the large scale and the small scale, life is so much more impactful to me. I do what I do and the seasons change around me. For some reason, that always comes as a surprise nowadays.

hmmm...

mike

*Cept for a period of time in there when I was taking psychiatric drugs. For me, that was an awful move. While they worked in stopping some of the depression and anxiety I was experiencing they took the spice out of life. Don't quit your psychiatric meds based on my account, but anecdotally, I feel a thousand times better since having had quit them.

Today was awesome!

I just have to say that today was great. I took a book and my camera and I sat in the park all day long. Some others had similar ideas as evidenced above. This is the good part about largely doing nothing.

Freakin advertisers...

Ya know... I don't watch TV a whole lot. I watch the news in the mornings. Sometimes if there's something going on in the national news I'll keep the TV on in the background as I write or I go about my business. Then, as I'm trying to get tired enough to go to bed, I'll watch some of the late shows. Cool.

Now, I understand that in order for me to get the high quality (hack hack... cough) programming that I demand, they need advertisers. I've never been delusional about that sort of thing. It's always been a careful balance between programs and advertisers. I like that... it's capitalism at work. God bless America.

But I HAAAATE some of the advertisements that they put up there. Most really don't bother me. If the ad's bad, I'm not paying attention anyway. If the ad's good, maybe something will stick subconsciously in my mind as I'm shopping. The biggest problem are the ad's I find so insulting that I FEEL THE NEED TO POST HERE ABOUT THEM!!!

So my plan is to make a list on this site of all the ad's that grind my gears for some reason or another. I hate these commercials and as a result I refuse to buy anything they advertise. And my mom, when I was in first grade, told me to never use the word hate, but I feel it justifies itself here.

Here's the beginning of my shikaka list.
Head On - I hate them. I despise every little spinoff of them. Their product sure as shikaka won't work for me... cause I will never, ever buy their product.
Comcast Fake Headline News - This is soooo irritating because I fall for their absurd line every time!! YOUR AD IS NOT BREAKING NEWS!!!

Well, okay, I feel better. If nothing else, it's nice to rant about what someone else is doing.

And, of course, there's absolutely nothing with regards to my health to report. That's particularly nice.

m

Partaaay!

Congratulations to all who came to the fundraiser/posttest/free beer thing for Katie's Run. You raised exactly $481.60 for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Rounded up to $500, you can see your contribution here. Thank you so much, both Katie and I really appreciate it. Furthermore, Katie has decided to run a full marathon rather than a half marathon!

Good job Katie.

weird and philosophical

Beware of all the things I post at night... they tend to be weird and philosophical... at least in my opinion.

baby I need you more than ever...

Honest to God, I don't know what the title to this blog is supposed to mean. Either way, I'm not going to change it and you can take it as though I'm speaking to you. Because I am speaking to you.

Speaking of God, I think it's an opportune time to let you know how I feel about Him, this being the day we celebrate His resurrection and all. My relationship with Him is still a little strange. It's sort of like I'm looking at Him across the room, He's looking at me, and neither of us know what to say. It's very middle-school-esque. I don't blame Him for what's happened to me, I don't pretend to know what He's thinking, but I just don't know do with what I have and the turns my life has taken. What do I do?

Before this diagnosis, everything was so clear. You do the best you can, you be as morally righteous as you can, you even make every effort to help those in need. Bad things happen to good people, but you try your damn best to do right by them. If you're good at something, do that something. If you're not, don't do it. Living life was as easy as pie.

But life is different now. I can't do what I thought I was supposed to do. I'm writing but it really doesn't seem as I'm going anywhere. I produce these pages but I don't know what they're supposed to say. Writing, reading, pages, words, the tapping of the keyboard: it doesn't make sense, at least no sense that I can make of it.

Do you ever feel like you're being pulled in a direction but you don't know what the end is? It doesn't frighten you. You should be watching the road but you're pulled away by the scenic view. I feel like I'm pulled away by the view. I feel like God is pulling me. I'm not afraid but I have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going, or what the point is.

I think I'll go over to the punch bowl.

bluaaaaahhhhhhhh...

So, this week is my period, meaning it’s the week that I take the chemo. I really have no idea how I’ll feel during this time. Sometimes I feel like vomiting all over the place, sometimes I feel depressed, and sometimes I feel totally okay. There hasn’t been any rhyme nor reason to my disposition or my comfort level from one moment to the next.

After sleeping about 11 hours last night, I thought it would be an excellent idea to get up and try to jog a bit this morning. I felt pretty good. I had to go pick up a book from the bookstore that I’d ordered. It was a decent morning to jog and I was looking forward to it.

Boy was that a mistake. I took off north and did well for about four blocks then I thought… man… I don’t feel all that well. I slowed to a walk as I approached Chicago Avenue and decided I’d turn around early. Walking along back to the bookstore I felt nauseous and light-headed. I can’t imagine what the bookstore lady though when she saw a guy in jogging clothes, ready to barf right in front of her, and buying a book called “Your Money or Your Life.” I made it home without barfing, but the moral of the story is… well… there is no moral to this story.

That’s all I’ve got.

hmm...

Well... okay. For all the curious cats out there in the world, the hard thing about this whole "transition" has been figuring out what exactly I'll do. Of course doing nothing is fine and dandy for a little bit, but it can only last for about 36 hours until the boredom and lack of prospects overwhelm me. And they do overwhelm me.

However, I can't get a job in the traditional sense because I expect it would cause the same problems that I had with school. That is, the fatigue, the time, the chemo and on and on. So... what do I do now?

I think I've settled into writing. I enjoy doing it, I get to work for myself, and hopefully I have some amount of talent. Great. I sit at home all day (or out in the community) but I'm producing something, I don't get bored, and I can set my own hours.

The only issues are a: there is no income until I get something published and b: people want to know what I'm writing about. They want to know a genre, a subject, a... well... anything. As of right now, I don't have any of the above. I'm trying to get myself used to writing by spilling whatever is floating around in my head out onto paper. I write a few pages a day (largely it's nonsensical) and occasionally they congeal into a logical thought. Sometimes it's fictional, sometimes it's non-fictional, usually it's a mixture of the two.

So, that's where I am now. The plan is to continue on until my money runs out or I publish something, whatever that may be.

peace,

m

Dear Family and Friends

Dear family and friends,

As many of you know, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor last year. I’ve tried hard to ignore the chemotherapy and the doctors’ appointments and the endless pills that I take, but recently it’s been too much. I can’t do all of the things in school that I expect of myself while keeping myself healthy. Ultimately, I’m just tired, I can’t keep up, and as a result I’ve decided to quit medical school.

Don’t worry. Nothing with regards to my health has changed for the worse. I just had an MRI and the tumor is getting incrementally smaller, as we hope it would be. But when the wheels are spinning and I’m not going anywhere, sometimes I just need to get out of the car and trudge through the mud myself. So that’s what I’m doing.

I don’t know what my plan is, but already I feel better. There’s far more out there in the world that I can explore. Hopefully, then, I can enrich peoples’ lives and better the world around me. Robert Louis Stevenson said, “Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.” I believe that.

Thus, I go forward into an unknown future and a startling abyss with the greatest of hope and the hand of God. The better angels in me wouldn’t have it any other way.

All my love,

Michael

PS. You can get my medical updates (and so much other junk floating around in my head), as well as keeping in touch, with the addresses below. Also, my sister, Katie, is running a half-marathon for cancer research. If you’d like to support her in that, I’ve attached her link too.

http://mike-c-gbm.blogspot.com
michael.brewster.davis@gmail.com
http://www.active.com/donate/tntwaak/katiestarrunner

From the sista, Katie

[Katie rocks... this is an email I got from her. You should support her in her efforts! -m-]

Hello, everyone!

It is really fantastic to go through my address book and scrounge up all of the names from my distant and not-so-distant past - I hope this finds you all well.

Anyway, I am writing because I have gone temporarily insane and signed myself up to run a half marathon with a group that raises money for cancer research. As we all know, cancer is lame and researching cures for cancer is decidedly not lame. The group is called Team in Training, and 75% of everything raised goes directly to the research. Everything else goes to an amazing program designed to help people do whatever crazy thing they signed up to do to raise money and offering support for people battling cancer. Basically, it's a great program full of very enthusiastic people who are all hopped up on endorphins from running so much.

If you love me and hate cancer, then you should support the effort... you can do so online at:

http://www.active.com/donate/tntwaak/katiestarrunner

which is a very simple little website, but you can make your donations there. If you want to make a donation some way other than over the internet, then let me know and I will send a letter, some kind of fancy form, and I can send a tax-receipt if you so desire. Also, if your company does matching gifts, please let me know!

Many thanks,

Katie Davis

Hexagon City

Has anybody else noticed that the system of East, West, North, South isn't really that efficient? Importantly, we build cities on this principle and we waste a lot of pavement on the extra roads and a lot of electricity on our stop lights. I think Ben Franklin was wrong with his square grid. We should have a hexagonal grid as I outlined below. There are only three directions, not four. You only go one way on a road and they alternate on whether they have two lanes or one. If you want to go opposite a direction, you take the other two routes to do so. It's more efficient going in diagonals and I suspect even going opposite, as above, given the lack of stoplights. More on this later... with Hexagon Globe.

Clump Clump

That's the sound of me stepping off of my soapbox now.

I don't know why everybody hates it when it snows.  With the snow on the sidewalks, it's an opportunity to try out my new boots.  With the snow on the road, I like testing out my amazing skills behind the wheel.  With the giant clothes, I don't have to worry about my girlish figure.  These opportunities to test the limits of mind and body don't come along too often and I love the chance to try it out.  Well... I aggrandize.  It's not the limits of mind and body, but it sure is fun.  My favorite snow is the big floppy flakes where its cold enough for them to stick to everything.  We got that kind of snow on my birthday last year.

-m-

yowza

I can't believe I used to know this stuff... this is ONE SIDE of ONE PAGE of my notes from Ted Lindeman's P-Chem class.

organophosphofructolactohorseshitarian

I am so tired of this nonsense. Take this pill... eat this thing... here's a vitamin that's supposed to cure brain cancer... become an organophosphofructolactohorseshitarian... Hear ye Hear ye. From now on the only things that are going to enter my body are alcohol, chocolate, and perhaps water as I see fit. That is the Davis Diet. So says I.

A thousand points for anybody that can show me an equilateral triangle who's inside vertices are 120 degrees each. AKA they add up to 360, not 180 as one might expect. See if you can wrap your mind around that one.

Then again... Colorado College looks good this year. Eh? Eh? Anybody? Hellooooo.....

Ol' Dirty Bastards

"As it can be maintained that all the great advances have come from men under forty, so the history of the world shows that a very large proportion of the evils may be traced to the sexagenarian--nearly all the great mistakes politically and socially, all of the worst poems, most of the bad pictures, a majority of the bad novels, and not a few of the bad sermons and speeches."
-William Osler, MD - 1905-

Wil (my college roommate), is placing his money on Clinton and Romney. I'm going to have to go with Obama and McCain. I think Thompson will probably drop out and throw his support to McCain too. Anyhow... I don't have much more to say than that.

wee wawooo waaaah

I think that's how Beaker sounded in the Muppets... correct me if I'm wrong. In fact, little known is his (and two others') rendition of Oh Danny Boy.

If you're still paying attention, it's election day! Or caucus day, at least in Iowa. Few people know how HUGE of a fan I am of presidential politics. It's bigger than the Superbowl, more money is spent than on the Olympics, it only happens every four years, it's winner take all, and THE FATE OF THE ENTIRE WORLD rests on the outcome. The stakes are so high and the winner so important that it's like a 10 month orgasm for political pundits around the world.

What's more... there hasn't been an election season this exciting with BOTH major parties hanging in the balance. ANYBODY could win! If anybody reads this before tonight, weight in on who you think will win in both parties.

I guess Obama and Romney.