Uncertainty

My Mom said something to me today. She said that we can so easily become lost in the things to come that we forget to focus on what we’re doing now. I suppose I’ve been doing the former at the expense of the latter. The most difficult problem with my cancer has been that I have been so focused on the future that I’ve often stopped enjoying the moment.

Your response might be that all medical students are like that. Perhaps mine are expounded because I’ve had to take a half-year off and have all the time in the world to ponder my situation. But I don’t think that’s that case. I don’t just think about how hard school will be; I’m terrified that I’ve lost too much cognitive ability to do it at all. I don’t just think about residencies; I think about residencies I can go into with my disease. I don’t just think about whether I can provide good care; I worry about hurting patients down the road. I could go on and on and write a book about each of them. They are very real concerns and I will come to face them sometime.

I’ve always been one to plan ahead. If I thought about something long enough, I’d come to the right answer. No matter how big a problem seemed to be, no matter how many there were, I could always just put a little bit of time into it. Now, I’ve spent months looking at so many uncertainties without any logical answers. Without having had realized it, I’ve driven myself into a really bad place. I’ve considered not providing care, not attending residency, driving back home and not doing school at all.

My Mom in her sweet, unassuming sort of wisdom sprung the idea on me that it’s okay to leave extremely important things uncertain. It’s fine to proceed without having any idea how you’re going to deal with the later stuff. I don’t have put “a little bit of time into it,” not because those things are unimportant, but because I can’t answer them now. And I guess that’s okay too.

Thanks Mom.