Honest to God, I don't know what the title to this blog is supposed to mean. Either way, I'm not going to change it and you can take it as though I'm speaking to you. Because I am speaking to you.
Speaking of God, I think it's an opportune time to let you know how I feel about Him, this being the day we celebrate His resurrection and all. My relationship with Him is still a little strange. It's sort of like I'm looking at Him across the room, He's looking at me, and neither of us know what to say. It's very middle-school-esque. I don't blame Him for what's happened to me, I don't pretend to know what He's thinking, but I just don't know do with what I have and the turns my life has taken. What do I do?
Before this diagnosis, everything was so clear. You do the best you can, you be as morally righteous as you can, you even make every effort to help those in need. Bad things happen to good people, but you try your damn best to do right by them. If you're good at something, do that something. If you're not, don't do it. Living life was as easy as pie.
But life is different now. I can't do what I thought I was supposed to do. I'm writing but it really doesn't seem as I'm going anywhere. I produce these pages but I don't know what they're supposed to say. Writing, reading, pages, words, the tapping of the keyboard: it doesn't make sense, at least no sense that I can make of it.
Do you ever feel like you're being pulled in a direction but you don't know what the end is? It doesn't frighten you. You should be watching the road but you're pulled away by the scenic view. I feel like I'm pulled away by the view. I feel like God is pulling me. I'm not afraid but I have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going, or what the point is.
I think I'll go over to the punch bowl.
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3 comments:
I know--its from that song in the movie! Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler. Ahhhh... all is well and good in the world now.
I wrote a blog last Thanksgiving that was a metaphorical look at life, in terms of driving, destinations, and scenic overviews.
Many times, people must stop along the road of life, either by choice, or because of unforeseen circumstances such as "car trouble." Some may even get pulled over for speeding or reckless driving. Then there are the unfortunate delays where we find ourselves at a stand still, smack dab in the middle of a traffic jam.
Others times, we may choose to take detours, and opt for a scenic overpass instead of the fast paced interstate.
Whatever the reason, if we find ourselves stalled out, broken down, or even if we stop for a brief moment to take an inevitable potty break, or to fill up our gas tank... we shouldn't forget to take time to behold the beauty of the "scenery" that surrounds us... and all the magnificent blessings and joys that can be found once we're off life's highway.
All of that rambling I just wrote was not exactly what I had in my blog, because I was writing about the perspective of the horizon, and how the amount of time it took for the sun to fully set was relative to your position... whether you were travelling through a valley, or slowly climbing an enormous mountaintop. But I'm going to leave you with the exact closing paragraph I used back then....
"And I leave you with another thought to ponder.... even if your road in life seems like it is always uphill... stop... turn towards the horizon... and take a moment to enjoy the beauty of the setting sun... because the further uphill you trek, the longer you'll be able to soak in the sun's pure radiance..."
:) Hope some of that made a little bit of sense to ya. Lots of hugs! Miss you!
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